One of the foundation elements of relationships is trust. And since relationships are a foundational aspect of life, we can see the importance that trust has in living meaningfully and truthfully. We are always in relationships, whether it be with other things and people, or more importantly, with ourselves. These two facts of the concept of trust are what I will be exploring today, and how trust in ourselves contributes to that all-important indomitable self-confidence.
There is a counterintuitive quality to the way we trust others. Like so many things related to the universal truth, trust in others has nothing to do with them, and everything to do with ourselves! In the end, the trust we have in others is a subjective story we tell others, and is begging us to remember the universal truth, brothers! These stories we tell ourselves about others’ words and actions become a prison for them, and when they want to break free from this, we call it a betrayal.
The true value of trust, and how it can be used in healthy and aligned ways is through self-discovery and personal evolution. If there is a person that you can actually have a firm belief in it is most definitely yourself, brother. This again comes back to self-confidence and that trust in self is what will help you build that! We need to avoid the confirmation biases that emerge from our conditioning and inform how we interpret others, this leads to fear and pain and is not in line with the universal truth.
What I am saying here brothers, is not that you should not trust anyone. In fact, I want you to trust everyone, but that trust is in the universal truth and not in the stories you create about others. The events that occur in relationships are not outcomes, they are experiences, and we need to use boundaries and the reality of existence to live in harmony with others. When we do not do this, we live in fear of what our thoughts about something will make us feel, which is a classic behavior of the beta mind. The only way to make permanent change is through a real shift in thinking, and that starts here!
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What You’ll Learn From this Episode:
- The central part that trust plays in our lives.
- Trust for others is a completely subjective story.
- How to think about statements and promises that others make to us.
- The true value of trust; self-discovery and personal evolution.
- How to manage trust in ourselves in relation to actions of others.
- The powerful tool of owning experiences through allowance.
Listen to the Full Episode:
Featured on the Show:
[00:00:09] ANNOUNCER: Welcome to The Alpha Male Coach Podcast, the only podcast that teaches men the cognitive mastery and alpha mindset that it takes to become an influential and irresistible man of confidence. Here’s your host, certified life coach and international man of mystery, Kevin Aillaud.
[00:00:32] KA: What’s up, my brothers? Welcome back to the Alpha Male Coach Podcast. I am your host, Kevin Aillaud, and I am really excited to release to you the Alpha Relationships Course that is now available to you on the alphamalecoach.com. I have four courses offered to you that are full of amazing life changing content and I stand by each one of them. The Indomitable Self-Confidence Course is the bestselling course, thus far. However, I believe the Alpha Relationships Course will surpass the ISC, as the all-time best-selling course.
In the Alpha Relationships Course, you will take a deep dive into the universal truth. Of course, all of my courses talk about the universal truth. But beyond that, there are modules on dating, on seeking, on commitment, on love, on fear, and what is holding you back, on approach anxiety, on social anxiety, on jealousy, which is the most destructive thing to relationships of all kinds. And there’s so much more. I am proud to have created it and honored to bring it to you in knowing how it will improve all the relationships in your life.
Now, as I said in previous podcast episodes, I’m going to get into a run of episodes on relationships, relationships really include all of life, though, like when I talk about relationships, my friends, I’m talking about everything in our life. We cannot be alive without being in relation to someone or something and we are always in a relationship with ourselves.
So, I’m going to kick off the relationship work with an oldie, an oldie but a goodie, right? We are going to talk about trust today. And I’m calling this Trust 2.0. Trust is a part of the momentous leap in evolution and conscious expansion that we must understand if we are going to begin to live in a new world with new paradigms of human existence. Now, I want to talk about two facets of trust. There’s the trust that we have in other people and there’s the trust that we have in ourselves. The ladder is a part of building indomitable self-confidence and something that I spent years working on with myself and with my students. So, let’s start out with trusting other people, because it’s much more straightforward and yet, it’s highly counter intuitive. And the reason why it’s counterintuitive.
Let me tell you guys, most people, most people, will tell you that trust is something you give to other people, right? They will tell you that people can break your trust, or they’ll tell you that people can betray your trust, they will tell you that you should trust people or that you shouldn’t trust people. Some people will say that you need to have people earn your trust first and other people will say that you can trust all people the moment you meet them until they do something to you or for you to take it away from them.
I’m not going to tell you any of that. I’m not even going to go there. I’m going to tell you that trust isn’t for other people. Trust has nothing to do with other people. It has to do with you, 100% with you. There’s nothing any other human has anything to do with your trust.
Now, let’s define this first, what is trust? Trust is defined as the firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something. Right away, this definition, using the word belief exposes trust in others as a subjective story we tell ourselves about the way other people should be. Not this other person or other people. It is by definition, a cognitive illusion, and the more firmly we believe in our cognitive illusions, the more we suffer and blame others when they violate our self-created stories about them.
To put it even more simply for you. The trust we have in someone is a prison that we put them in based on our thoughts about who they should or should not be. Remember the universal truth, my friend, other people are circumstances, we have thoughts about them. We tell ourselves stories about how we think they are. We make up a role for them in our mind, we set up nowhere else in our brain restrictions and limitations for their behavior. We box them into these roles and these stories, we tell ourselves about who they are, and then we trust them to be this way, to fulfill this role. We trust them to maintain the character of the story we’ve created for them.
Then, if they deviate in any way from this story that we’ve created, we say, “They broke our trust.” Right? Like somehow, they’ve done something to break our trust, even though we created the story. It’s so fascinating. It is just this most fascinating thing. It’s like we have the story setup, and we expect it to play out a certain way. It’s like that Aesop fable, you guys remember this, the tortoise and the hare? Have you heard this one? The moral of the story is slow and steady wins the race, like that’s the moral of course, you guys may have heard this one. But you know the story, right? They set out together, the tortoise and the hare, and you figure the tortoise is going to win or the hare is going to win because the tortoise is slow. And then the hare decides to stop and take a rest. He falls asleep, and then the tortoise ends up winning the race.
Well, this is all in your mind, you know, the hare is faster. He stops and he sleeps, when the tortoise wins. Well, what if I told you that the hare actually wins every single time. Every single time. Like, check this out, brother. I’ve done the math. I’ve worked the experiment. Every time I set a hare loose and a tortoise loose in a direction with barriers on either side, regardless of the distance, the hare will win every time. Whether it’s a race of a foot, a yard, or a mile, the hare will win every time. There is no tortoise I know of that is as fast as a hare.
It’s a story, right? It’s not real, right? You’d probably say that if I argued with you about my experiments. If I told you like, “Look, brother, like I’ve done the experiment. Look, here’s the data. Here’s the math, 100% of the time, the tortoise wins.” You’d probably be telling me like, “Look, coach, Kevin, just chill, man. It’s a story. It’s a story to teach you a moral lesson.”
Well, my friend, what do you think the stories in your head are? Do you think that other people behaving outside the story you tell yourself about them is a violation of the way life should work or is it a moral story for you to learn about yourself and about your life? Do you think that the hare losing the race to the tortoise is a violation of the law of physics? Or is it a moral lesson, children learn as they grow? Do you resist the story and suffer? Or do you accept it as a personal lesson and pull from it what you can to grow and move forward?
Now, you might say to me, “Yeah, but hey, coach, like they said, they would never do this. They said they would never do that. I’m taking their word. I believe what they told me was true.” So, sometimes, it will come from the other person. Sometimes trust or our stories will come from the other person, right? Think about this, a person might say to you, “I will never do this”, or “I will always do that”. And so now you’re thinking that your trust in this person isn’t so much a self-created story. It’s not something that you created from what you observed. It’s actually a story where they taught you who they think they are. They’ve told you what their story is, and you’re just accepting their story is true.
But even here, my brother, there lies more universal truth, and that you have to understand the recognition of what time is. Here, we have to understand true time. Because in that moment, that person believes their own story. They have a story they tell themselves about who they are, and are telling you this story as they believe it in that moment and you can choose to believe it, or you can choose not to believe it, because that’s going to be based on your story. You tell yourself about what other people say.
This, of course, brings in the concept of not seeing the world the way it is only seeing the world the way you are, and the telephone game of communication between two people. But regardless of all that, let’s say for simplicity sake, that you believe them, that they tell you something, they say, “I will always text you in the morning. I will always send you a birthday card on your birthday. I will always kiss you before going to sleep at night.” Or on the opposite side, they say, “I will never call you names. I will never cheat on you. I will never leave you.” And you think these statements are confined to like a romantic relationship, but of course, you can make any statement as it extends into all forms of human relationships.
So, just remember, here’s what I want you to know about this example. In every moment, in that time and place, that person may be telling the truth. They might have 100% belief in what they say. In that slice of time as we experience it, that present moment that lives between the past and the future, in their universal truth of thoughts, creating feelings, and driving action. They believe, they have a belief that fuels an emotion that drives them to say those words. They probably believe exactly what they’re saying, it is a story they are telling themselves in that moment. And you believe that story and make it a part of the story, you tell yourself about who they are, building walls around their behavior, not just in that moment, which is the only time in human existence that is accurate and honest, the only moment we have is the present, but you don’t build the walls in the present. You build the walls, in all moments, in the future perpetuating on for all time. They say something to you, and you’re like, “This is going to last forever. This is always going to be the truth. This is always going to be the way it is.”
And this, my friend, is the prison you build around people and then you call it trust. I trust them to never change. I trust them that what they say right here, right now, in their model, and their universal truth, in this moment, will last for forever. Just for forever. That’s trust. My friend, they did not build this prison. They made a statement in the moment based on their story. They have no prison for themselves. They are free in their mind to choose differently at any time. And over time, all people change. We all change our stories as we grow and evolve into different versions of existing, but your story doesn’t change. You keep them in that prison until they die, or until they try to break out. And if they do try to break out, that is what you call a betrayal of your trust.
Now, when I teach this to my students at this point, I typically get some resistance. Even you listening on this episode right now, you listen to me talking, you might be resisting this, you might be like, “Well, how are you going to tell me that my trust is not broken? My trust is not betrayed?” Because after all, this is a highly counterintuitive concept to what we’re taught as humans, because what we’re taught as humans is still grasping in our attempt to control other people and then blaming them for any changes that they make in their personal journey. We are taught that people should be true to their word and if they violate what they say, then they are judged, then they are called untrustworthy, and they should be publicly stoned to death in the common areas, right?
I mean, that’s what we teach our children. That’s what we believe, as adults. Have we forgotten the words of the master? Have we forgotten the simplicity of He who has not changed his mind? Let He who has not changed his story, let He who has not evolved with knowledge and self-discovery, let He who has not moved from the past to the present, let He be the one to cast the first stone.
People change, my friend, people grow. Time is not static. What a person says yesterday does not bind them to today. They can reaffirm their message with renewed word and renewed action but this is only happening in the moment. That’s the only relevance it ever has. It’s the only relevance to what is. And when it comes to other people, even the words and actions we witness are still reflections of our own stories and beliefs. The stories and beliefs we tell ourselves about ourselves.
So, what am I saying? Am I saying we should trust no one? Absolutely not. I teach that we should trust all people. Is that confusing? Am I confusing you yet? If you are confused, it is because you are wanting to trust the story. You’re wanting to trust the figment of your imagination. You’re wanting to trust the words, the sentences, the beliefs, the thoughts, the conditioning in your mind, and I am offering that you trust the truth, the universal truth. This is how we trust other people. We trust them to be humans. We give them our 100% trust to live in the universal truth. We trust that they will act according to how they think and feel in that moment. We trust that there is no limit to the possibility and potential of what any human can do at any time. We trust that humans are capable of doing and saying anything at any time. We open ourselves up to the universal truth and allow all humans to be as they are in that moment, without the prisons that we put them in based on the stories we tell ourselves about how they should or shouldn’t be. We simply allow the freedom of expression for any human to demonstrate as they choose in that present time, knowing that the display is a manifestation of their cognitive emotive state. We protect ourselves with physical and emotional boundaries, while simultaneously allowing the freedom of expression, observing the effects and demonstration of that expression, and living in harmony with ourselves, our stories and other people knowing that what they do is not who they are. What we see is our judgment. What they are is a perfect being, having a perfect human experience, living their own perfect journey.
And yes, my friend, this is true of the outliers in humanity as well. I’m not going to get into that on this episode. I think that that would take way too much time to really talk about the extremes, because I have more to cover. However, I do want you to know that this same truth applies to both serial killers as it does for religious saints. There is no difference in the actions of people outside of what exists in the universal truth.
Now, if our trust for others is misplaced, by the stories we tell ourselves about who they should or shouldn’t be, then what is the value of trust? Why bother with the word? Why bother with the concept? Why bother with the application of trust? I want to offer that trust is not something we give to others, or trust is not something that we have in others. It is purely a concept for self-discovery and personal evolution.
Remember, the definition of trust is a firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something. So, when you dismiss all the stories about other people that creates a prison of expectation around their behavior, what is left? What happens to trust? Where does it go? Of who can you create a story or a firm belief in which you have and maintain the reliability, the truth, the ability and the strength?
Gee, let me think, who could this be? I’ll give you two guesses and you won’t need the second. Who is it going to be? It’s you, blood. It’s you, my friend. This is where you begin some of the most indomitable self-confidence work in yourself. I trust myself. What does that mean? It means I can rely on myself. It means I am honest with myself. It means I believe in my current and future abilities. It means that I know I am strong. My strength is immutable and perennial.
I want to conclude this podcast with a little bit of work on trusting yourself. This is probably one of the most important things you can develop when it comes to indomitable self-confidence. There are so many facets to trust when it comes to self confidence that I want to talk about just one. I also want to give you an example. And then a very quick tool to begin the development of this skill for you.
Okay, so the second pillar of undoubtable self-confidence. If you guys don’t remember, there are three pillars of indomitable self-confidence. Pillar number one is cognition. Pillar number two is emotion. Pillar number three is action. The second pillar of abdominal self-confidence is the knowing that you can feel any emotion without any harm coming to you, without any physical harm without any physical pain, without the death coming to you, like there is nothing that emotion will ever do to harm you. This is such an important thing to know. This is such an important work for being an alpha, because it is the path of the beta that fears feeling. The beta fears feeling so much that there is a drive to resist, to avoid, and to react to emotion. As an alpha, you live in a state of indomitable self-confidence, paired strongly with abundance. And the second pillar is the emotional pillar.
Now, to build this pillar, you have to know that you can feel any emotion, any feeling, any vibration in your body, you have to trust yourself to handle that vibration, even when your brain subjectifies it as painful or uncomfortable. This trust extends for you beyond the present moment, which is the example that I want to offer you.
I have a student who is struggling with his relationships. Actually, I have a lot of students that are struggling with their relationships. But I want to talk about this one particular student who is struggling with his ability to trust his new girlfriend. Now, they had been dating for a very short time, he and his new girlfriend. They’ve been dating a short time, it’s a new relationship. And because of his past, he is suspicious of some of her behavior. And I want you guys to hear this, I want all of you guys to know this, our suspicions of others come from the conditioning of our own lives, it does not come from the circumstance of what the other person is doing. When we suspect other people, it’s because of what we believe about the world and ourselves, when we project that onto other people. The behavior of another person is always neutral, always. Our subjectivity of it is based only on the confirmation bias of our own belief system, which comes from our conditioning.
So, my student, our brother here, he’s suspicious, right? He’s suspicious of her and what he is thinking is what she’s doing and what she’s saying is untrustworthy. Like he’s out there mining for evidence. He’s looking for evidence of red flags, and he’s using them to support the belief system he already has. His current beliefs. The same beliefs that have kept him single and self-sabotaging up to this point. Every time he gets into a relationship, he sabotages it. Every time he gets into a relationship, there’s all this suspicion, all these red flags and he just sabotages it. He goes down, he goes single, then he finds another relationship, and then same thing happens. It’s a perpetual cycle. It happens over and over. He’s constantly seeing red flags, as confirmation bias, as a way for him to reinforce the beliefs and perpetuate the same results.
Well, my man wanted new results, right? He wanted to change. He wanted a new life. He wanted new relationships. He wanted no more self-sabotage. He wanted no more of the same results. So, he came to me for help. Now, first, I told him what I just told all of you about the trust that we have in other people, that we put in other people. It’s not the trust in the story. It’s not the trust in the prison. We don’t put the power in the prison of expectation. This will lead to red flags. This will lead to false evidence appearing real, which is actually an acronym for fear, by the way, false evidence appearing real, F-E-A-R.
The trust, I told him, you must put in this woman is the knowing that she is capable of anything at any time. Is she possible of cheating on you? Absolutely. Is it possible that she’s not cheating on you? Yes, of course, it’s possible. Neither outcome matters. However, as long as you have proper boundaries set for what you want in a relationship, if she cheats, you complete the relationship, the relationship is over. If she doesn’t, you continue to grow down the same path together. It’s simple. It’s binary. Boundaries remove the mind drama. And once he understood this, that’s when the real trust work began. Because at this point, the question became what happens, it’s not a matter of outcome, it’s a matter of experience. It’s not the result that you’re afraid of. It’s not the result that he was afraid of. It is the emotion you think you will feel as you experienced the circumstance. You are afraid of what your mind will make it mean about yourself, and how those thoughts will create the vibrations in your body. You are afraid of feeling, my friend, this is what I told him. You don’t trust yourself to be able to handle sadness, or fear, or disappointment, or betrayal, or anger, or rejection, or whatever other vibration you feel based on what your mind conjures up from the circumstance.
The trust you have displaced in this woman must be returned to yourself so that no matter what she does, no matter what happens is a circumstance you hold on to the trust you have in knowing that you can feel any emotion and it’s fine. It’s 100% okay. It’s a part of the human experience and it’s happening for you. More than that, it’s just the vibration in the cells of your body in response to the thoughts that you’re thinking, and neither the thoughts nor the vibrations are you, or of you or can harm you, or have any power over you unless you abdicate that power to them. Your trust from knowing that you are the master of your mind and the owner of your emotions, you are in control of both. And yet, you don’t need to control either, because neither can ever hurt you, harm you, bring pain to you, or cause you to die. Both are simply an experience you’re having in your human form, in your cellular body, and for you in that moment.
Own the feeling rather than letting it own you, by resisting it. The way you do that is through allowing. This is the tool, my friend, you do it through allowing, through processing, and through owning your feelings. You got to own it. You have to own it, brother. You don’t resist it and you don’t fear it. You don’t avoid it and run into the false pleasures of denial. You don’t react to it and put it on for display for all the world to see. You allow it, you own it, you are the one. You are the master. You are the captain of your ship. The ship doesn’t decide where it goes. The emotion doesn’t determine what you do unless you let it, unless you choose not to be the captain of your ship.
Now, this is the only way to create new outcomes. This is the only way to create new results. Different actions will produce different results only for a short amount of time, only as long as your willpower doesn’t run out. If you want permanent change, it will only occur from different thinking and more deeply from thinking differently about the way you think. All of this work is what we do in the academy. And look I want to offer you now, I want to offer you here and now that if you have dealt with a similar situation, and you want to learn the skill of developing trust with yourself, while simultaneously letting go of the trust prisons we put around other people, now is the time to enroll in the academy and begin this work.
I want all new students to enroll in tier one in order to have that access to office hours and get that one on one coaching with me. And that as you learn and understand and apply these concepts in your life, you’ll have the option of moving into tier two and tier three, which is full access, minus office hours for tier two, or just the curriculum book alone for tier three. But brothers, humanity is on the precipice of a momentous leap. There are times throughout human history that our species takes a major jump in evolution and involution. There has been the agricultural jump, the language jump, the religion jump, the government jump, the science jump, and the information jump. Now, we are about to take another huge jump forward, and this time, it will be inward towards the truth of who you are.
Enroll in the academy and start this training now. Develop the one skill that will change your relationships, your health and your wealth creation. The skill is called cognitive mastery and emotional ownership. The source is from within. You have the power, you are the alpha.
I’ll see you in the academy, my friend and until then, elevate your alpha.
[END OF EPISODE]
[00:26:15] ANNOUNCER: Thank you for listening to this episode of the Alpha Male Coach Podcast. If you enjoyed what you’ve heard and want even more, sign up for Unleash your Alpha: Your guide to shifting to the alpha mindset, at the alphamalecoach.com/unleash.