When we set expectations for what our actions will yield, this triggers a whole bunch of emotions about what it means if our expectations come to fruition, and worse, what it means about us if they don’t materialize. We know that we develop thoughts based on our circumstances – the facts of our life. But our results are also circumstances, and we have the power to choose our thoughts around those too.
Join me on the show this week to discover five ways you can leave behind your habit of setting expectations for the actions you take and letting your emotions get caught up in things you have no control over.
Welcome to The Alpha Male Coach Podcast, the only podcast that teaches men the cognitive mastery and alpha-mindset that it takes to become an influential and irresistible man of confidence. Here’s your host, certified life coach and international man of mystery, Kevin Aillaud.
What’s up, my brothers. Welcome back to The Alpha Male Coach Podcast. I am your host, Kevin Aillaud. And today, we are going to continue contrast. Last week, we did contrast. Last week, we did blame versus responsibility. And today, we’re going to do expectation versus result. So, like last week, I’m just going to very quickly repeat the universal truth.
And again – and I really can’t talk about the universal truth enough because the universal truth is the foundation of elevating your alpha. Go back to the original podcasts. Number four is the universal truth, and then the model is how we align ourselves with the universal truth. That’s episodes five, six, seven, eight, and nine, if you want a more in-depth understanding and teaching about what these concepts are.
But, very, very quickly, the universal truth is that circumstances are neutral. Circumstances are facts and circumstances are out of our control. And circumstances are essentially the world. It’s what’s happening around us. It’s our past. It’s what’s happened, it’s what’s happening now in the world, our present moment. And that includes other people, their behaviors, the things they say in the moment and what they’ve said in the past or done in the past.
Circumstances have a loose, loose correlation with our thoughts because, as human beings, we have to think. And so, by thinking, we’re thinking about the past, what we’ve experienced, or we’re thinking about the present, what we’re experiencing. So that’s the only correlation between circumstances and thoughts.
But once we have a thought, then we judge that neutral circumstance. And that is where we are either in our beta condition, where we’re unconsciously judging, we kind of think that what we’re thinking is reality, or in our alpha state, where we’re the watcher of our thought and we’re choosing hat to think.
And the reason why we would want to do this, the reason why it behooves us to be in alpha state versus beta condition is because thoughts create emotions, which are vibrations in the body. They’re cellular vibrations. And those vibrations are what gives us the feeling of an emotion; the comfortable feelings or the uncomfortable feelings. They’re cellular vibrations. They’re physiological changes at the cellular level that happen in response to thought.
So, thoughts create emotions. It is our emotions that drive our actions. So whatever we do is because we either want to feel good, we want to feel a comfortable feeling, a comfortable emotion, or we want to avoid feeling an uncomfortable emotion. We want to avoid emotional pain. So emotions drive our actions and then our actions, by law of cause and effect, determine our results.
Whatever action we take is going to give us a result. Now, the result with then reinforce the original thought and we kind of start that loop over again; thought, emotion, action, and result, where it all kind of began with whatever circumstance we were judging, whether it’s from the past, someone else’s behavior, or what’s happening in the world in the present moment.
With this episode, I’m going to focus on results. I’m going to focus on the very end of the model, the R-line, what happens after an action. And I want you to know, as we move forward, as we begin this episode, that results become circumstances. Whatever result we end up with is what comes back to us from the world as an effect of our action. And because it comes back to us from the world, it becomes a part of that present moment. It’s a circumstance. It’s neutral.
I want to give an example, say, like if I start with the circumstance that I weigh 280 pounds and my thought is I want to lose weight, I believe I can do it, my emotion is very confident, my actions are to reduce my intake, reduce my food intake and increase my energy expenditure. And then my result, over time, is that now I weigh 250 pounds.
That 250 pounds is my new circumstance. And then I can think about that the way I want. Maybe I want to lose another 30 pounds, 20 pounds, whatever. So, results become circumstances.
Now, knowing that, let’s get into expectation and result. The definition of an expectation is a strong belief that something will happen, or be the case in the future, or a belief that someone will or should achieve something. Okay, so it has to do with the world that something will happen or be the case in the future, and it has to do with other people that someone, including myself, will or should achieve something. That’s the definition of an expectation.
The definition of result is a consequence, effect, or outcome of something and the occurrence or following as the consequence of something. So, whether it’s a noun or a verb. So already, again, if you guys have listened to this podcast, already you can see that expectations have to do with thought. It has to do with judgment. It has to do with what should happen, what we think should happen, whereas a result is simply what is. It’s the effect. It’s the outcome.
So, expectations are a product of thought that creates an illusion of entitlement and, or, an emotional attachment to a result. So there are two components that I want you to hear there; first that an expectation demands to control the uncontrollable, which is the present moment and other people, and second, that an expectation has a cognitive attachment to how we think about ourselves.
Now, a result is the acceptance of what happens in response to a given action. So it’s from a cause there is an effect, and this means that from an action, there is a result. Results are circumstances. They’re neutral. There is no attempt to control the present moment or other people and there is nothing about a result that alters how we think about ourselves or who we are, in essence.
So let me start with the first part. Expectations try to control the present moment, or the people in the present moment, or other people. So, with expectations, there’s a lot of shoulds. We hear a lot of shoulds with expectation. Like, if I gain more muscle, women should be more attracted to me. If I buy dinner or a couple drinks for my date, she should sleep with me, or if I leave for work 30 minutes before I punch in or clock in, I should get to work on time.
Now, you can see what happens with these expectations when they don’t go as planned. If I gain more muscle and women are not more attracted to me, or if I buy dinner and a couple of drinks with my date and she does not sleep with me, or if I leave for work 30 minutes before I punch in and I do not get there on time, then all of a sudden, this negative emotion comes up. I feel angry, I feel frustrated, I feel irritated, I feel annoyed. There’s so many things in there that I’m trying to control the uncontrollable and it’s just not happening.
And that is the fallacy. The fallacy is that I’m trying to control what’s uncontrollable. It’s from the beta condition. There’s this reversal of the truth. We try to control the circumstances, the moment, the present moment and other people, and then we lack control over how we think about the circumstances, which is the only place we actually have the control is in our cognition.
So, with the three scenarios above, the alpha state of results-based thinking is that if I gain more muscle, then I have more muscle mass. And if I buy dinner and a couple of drinks for my date, then I spend some money on food and beverages while I spend time with my date. And if I leave for work 30 minutes before I clock in, then I have 30 minutes to get to work until I am late.
You can see how the results here are different. There’s no should in there for one. The results follow from the action. So number one, without a strong belief that something will or that someone will or should do something, and two, with only how my actions affect me.
So remember the definition of expectation. An expectation is a strong belief that something will be the case in the future, or belief that someone will or should achieve something. That’s the expectation. And the result has nothing to do with that. And the other part of the result, again, I’ll say it, it only has to do with me. It has nothing to do with women being more attracted to me or my date wanting to sleep with me. It has nothing to do with that. It’s only how my actions affect myself.
Now, the second difference between expectations and results is emotional attachment to the outcome. It’s what we make the outcome mean about ourselves with our cognition and the emotional vibration that follows, that feeling, that physiological change at the cellular level.
So, I want you to consider the following. I throw a ball into the air and it comes back down to earth. I throw a ball up and it comes back down. That is both a result and I can expect that to happen due to the law of gravity. I am not emotionally tied to the ball coming back to the earth. I expect it. You could even say I know it will happen. But it doesn’t make me super happy or super sad when it does. I have no attachment to that result.
The ball going up and coming back down doesn’t say anything about me or my worthiness as a man or a human being. It says nothing about me at all. It doesn’t change my opinion of myself. Now, consider another scenario. I approach a woman in the café and introduce myself. I start up a conversation with her. I ask for her phone number so I can call her and we can meet again in the future.
Now, am I emotionally attached to that result? If she says yes, will I make it mean, with the sentences in my head, that I’m a good person, that I’m worthy, that I’m a conqueror or that I will have sex someday, that I’ll have sex pretty soon with her? All of this creating a comfortable, if not positive emotion.
But, if she says no, will I make it mean, with the sentences in my brain, that I’m a bad conversationalist, that there is something wrong with me, that she doesn’t like me or that I am unlikable, that I’m not good lucking and that I probably will never have sex again? All of these thoughts creating an uncomfortable emotion.
And since I am emotionally tied to the outcome and fear uncomfortable emotions, I will do anything I can to avoid them. So, is it possible that I might not even take the risk in approaching her at all given my expectations on the result?
So, given these two scenarios, can you see the difference between expectation and result? A result, my brother, is neutral. It says nothing about who you are. It’s simply an effect from a cause, the result of an action. When an expectation is tied to our beta condition, that is – and all expectations are tied to our beta condition and what we make the result mean to us and about us. That is when we are cognitively and emotionally tied to the result and it becomes an expectation.
Results are perfection. Circumstances are perfection. The alpha male, from the alpha state, views results from a place of what is. You know, from here, the alpha then chooses the thought that serves him. I’m not saying that the alpha male doesn’t ever think. As human beings, we have to think. We have to feel. We have to act. That’s our experience in this life.
But the beta condition is our unconscious response to a misunderstanding of the universal truth and an unsupervised animal brain that is driven by fear. The alpha state recognizes immediately the moment as a neutral place of time and space. And as it moves into the past, he determines the thinking, the thoughts, that serve his future.
So, let me kind of give you guys some actionable stuff here, the same way I gave you guys some actionable stuff last week, I want to give you some actionable stuff this week. And like last week, I’ve got five points for you. So, how do you elevate your alpha and make the move from expecting an outcome to allowing an outcome?
Like I said, I’ve got five. Number one, choose the thoughts that evolve you. I was going to say serve you, but I want to make this clear, because you can choose thoughts that devolve you too. So I want you to choose the thoughts that evolve you, that make you the best version of yourself, not the thoughts that beat you up and put yourself down, but choose the thoughts that elevate you, that evolve you, that develop you, not the thoughts that bring you down, not the thoughts where you’re all on yourself or all up against other people, not these devolving thoughts.
Results, my friend, they’re not points, they’re lessons. There’s not a scoreboard. You don’t win or lose; you learn. If you think that you’re winning or losing then you’ve stopped learning and you’re just happy or sad. If you think your results – okay, this result is a win, this result is a loss – then you’re just emotionally attached to that. it’s just, okay, I won and I’m happy or I lost and I’m sad. But that’s not what results are.
Results are lessons. You want to look for the lesson in the results. Look for how you can grow from the neutral outcome. Okay, that’s number one. Number two, be keenly aware that success comes from the cause and effect relationship. And this is what I meant when I said earlier that results are perfect. This is why results are perfect, because of the cause and effect relationship and the success that it is.
If I pick up the phone, what I have I done? I could say I’m going to call a client, a potential client, like I’m on a new business and I’m cold calling and I pick up a phone and call a potential new client. But if I’m emotionally attached to what’s on the other end, if I’m emotionally attached to being rejected, then all of a sudden, picking up the phone becomes difficult.
But, if I pick up the phone, then what is my result? The result is that I’ve picked up the phone. There’s no difficulty in that action. The cause and effect relationship between my action and my result is completely neutral. If I take five steps towards that beautiful woman, then the result is I’m five steps closer to that beautiful woman.
You know, I’m thinking 10, 20 minutes into the future, about the conversation, about whether I’m going to talk to her, about whether I’m going to date her, about whether I’m going to go on multiple dates, about whether I’m going to sleep with her, about whether maybe she’s my future wife. You know, I’m so forward into the future that I’m missing the perfection of the cause and effect relationship in the moment.
If I build my squat from 365 pounds to 405 pounds then the result is I can now squat 40 more pounds. So you determine success by the result, and the result is what is. Don’t determine your success based on the expectation. And the expectation is what you think it should be; remember that word should coming back in there.
So, number two, be keenly aware that your measurement of success comes from the cause and effect relationship itself. You pick up the phone, you’re successful. Why? Because you’ve picked up the phone. You take five steps toward that beautiful woman, you’re successful. Why? Because you’re five steps closer to that beautiful woman. Keep your mind right there on what is, not what you think it should be. That’s number two.
Number three – this one requires a little more coaching, but I’m going to lay it down for you. Detach the way you think about yourself from the result. Like I said, brother, this is a skill set. It often requires some time, some coaching, some dialogue between you and a coach. You really consider the universal truth and really consider the model, really understand that your results, your actions, they come from your thoughts. They come from your cognition.
They don’t come from the circumstances, which includes other people. They don’t come from other people. The actions of other people come from their cognition. Okay, they come from how they are thinking. The world, as it passes through time, is neutral. So, neither the actions of other people or what’s happening in the world has anything to do with you.
Additionally, you are not the way you think about the world. That’s the beta condition. The beta condition is the sentences in your brain. Who you are is the alpha state. The alpha state is the watcher of the beta condition, the watcher of the thought. That’s who you are. You are the alpha state. But what you are, my friend, is 100% worthy, 100% lovable, 100% amazing, and 100% capable. That is, was, and always will be. Nothing can ever change that; not other people, not the movement of matter through space and time, and not your thoughts about yourself. Even if you don’t think that way, those are just sentences in your head.
So, number three, detach the way you think about yourself from the results which become circumstances. Detach your thoughts about yourself from the circumstance. And that kind of gets into number four as well, which is to separate your thoughts from the facts. And I said this last week because this is so true. I’ve said this before. I’ve said this hundreds of times and I’ll continue to say it thousands or more times. It is the foundation of elevating your alpha.
If you learn to do this and be able to activate this skill in the moment, you’re halfway there, brother, because everything else is nuance, everything else is like detail and specifics. You’ve got to know the difference between the facts, which are circumstances, results, and your thoughts, which are the sentences in your brain, and your expectations.
So, I’ve written a couple of examples here to kind of give you this push, because again, this is like the foundation. Really, if you can learn anything, this is what I really think is the most important; separating facts from thoughts.
So, a fact, there’s a woman looking at oranges at the grocery store. Everybody would agree to that. You can see, there’s a female there, she’s standing in front of the oranges, she’s got one in her hand, you guys are in a building we all know as a grocery store. That’s a fact. It’s objective. There’s nothing subjective about it.
The thought is, there is a beautiful woman over there – there’s subjectivity. That’s a thought – who probably already has a boyfriend – again, expectation, you don’t know that – and even if she doesn’t have a boyfriend, she wouldn’t be interested in me – again, more thoughts, more potential expectations that prevent you from engaging with her, interacting with her.
Here’s another fact; I paid $27 for a glass of vodka and cranberry juice. This is a fact. You can show this. This is the $27, in this glass, in this receptacle we know as a glass, it has a combination of the alcohol we know as vodka and the juice coming from cranberries. That is a fact. There’s nothing subjective there.
But the thought might be, from that circumstance, look I bought this woman a drink, so she owes me something. Maybe she owes me a dance, maybe she owes me a kiss, and maybe, if I buy her some more, I’ll be able to take her home with me. This is a thought. These are thoughts that lead to expectations, right?
Here’s another one. Fact, there are 20 men and seven women at this bar. You’re in a building, we all know it as a bar or pub. You’ve counted, there’s 20 men there, there’s seven women. These are facts. Everybody would agree to that.
The thought is there are a ton of guys here, and I’m sure most of them have qualities that I don’t. You can see already, there’s subjectivity in here. You’re measuring yourself against these other guys that you don’t even know. And the thought continues, the only way I’m ever going to have sex or get a girlfriend is if I change myself, if I lose weight, if I make more money, if I grow taller, if I have more hair, if I drive a better car, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, you know, whatever the thought is that’s in your brain about the circumstance.
So number four is separate those thoughts from circumstance. Once you separate those, then you can start to observe the thoughts and realize that they’re choices and that you can choose to believe them or not, you don’t have to believe any thought and you don’t have to keep any thought. All thoughts are choices.
Number five, and this is the last one, live the universal truth. Now, I added this one at the end because I want you to know, when I tell people the universal truth – I mean, this is what I do. I’m The Alpha Male Coach, but really, what I do is I’m just a coach, man. I just want to throw this information out there. I’m a teacher, right? I tell people about this stuff. I’m talking about it all the time. I’m very passionate about it. I’m always wanting to help people.
So I tell people about the universal truth all the time, like everywhere I go. And when I do, they just kind of nod their head and say, oh yeah, man, that’s common sense. Like, everybody knows that. Now, here’s the crux though. Here’s the onion of the story. Like, when I watch them, they’re constantly violating the universal truth, right? So in their mind, they’re like, “Yeah, I get it. Intellectually, I understand that. and not only intellectually do I understand that, but I think everybody kind of knows this, dude.” That’s kind of what they’re telling me.
And then their behavior, their actions, is a manifestation that they don’t know the universal truth or that they’re not living the universal truth, because they try to control what they can’t and then they don’t control what they can. So knowing the universal truth and living the universal truth is different, brother, it really is different.
To know the universal truth intellectually is completely different than applying it to your life. So, number five is know, live, and be the universal truth, be the alpha male. Stop trying to control the rest of the world, which includes the behavior of everybody else. Stop expecting all people to behave the way you behave, or the way you want them to behave.
Stop trying to make the world the way you want to be. Instead, control yourself, control your own cognition, control the way you think about the circumstances you experience. Instead of trying to make the world the way you want it to be, allow it to be the way it is and instead be the person you want to be. And you do this by choosing your thoughts which create your emotions and drive your actions.
Now, your actions are the manifestation of your mind and will determine the person you are in the world. This is the alpha male way. Number five, my brother, is live the universal truth. That’s the alpha male way, and that’s what I’ve got for you today on expectations versus results.
I love doing the contrasts with you, guys. Next week, we’re doing another contrast. We’re going to talk about the bully victim versus vulnerable, and I think you’re going to be surprised, because the bully and the victim are actually the same. It’s like two sides of the same coin, whereas the bully is one side of the coin and the victim is the other side of the coin, versus – the contrast here – versus is being vulnerable, which is a completely different kind of currency. That’s like the $100 bill.
So you’ve got the bully victim coin, you’ve got vulnerable as the $100 bill, and we’re going to do that contrast next week. Join me for that. and until then, my brother, as always, elevate your alpha.
Thank you for listening to this episode of The Alpha Male Coach Podcast. If you enjoy what you’ve heard and want even more, sign up for Unleash Your Alpha – your guide to shifting to the alpha mindset – at thealphamalecoach.com/unleash.