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//Ep #41: How to Handle a Break-Up

Ep #41: How to Handle a Break-Up

All of our lives are relationships. It infiltrates every aspect of our lives and is, therefore, one of the most important parts of our existence. We are social creatures who are wired for these connections, so what do you do when a relationship changes when you don’t want it to?

There’s a lot of fear involved in a relationship ending. The good news is that I’m going to give you three keys to overcoming the fear associated with a break-up, once again giving you the cognitive tools to handle this like the alpha male you are.

We forget that people’s actions stem directly from their thoughts and that often has nothing to do with us. This is the beta condition talking, wanting you to believe that it’s not having the person in your life that’s creating the emotion. But it’s not. It’s the story you are telling yourself that is causing sadness.

When you stop resisting the circumstance and start seeing it for the neutral thing it is, it loses its power and it opens you up to the many other potential relationships out there. You need to activate your wisdom and moving towards your future, thereby walking in your alpha state of abundance!    

Want to know more about what I do and how I can help you? Sign up for a free 45-minute session with me, and I’ll show you how this works!

What You’ll Learn from this Episode:

  • What relationships are and where they truly exist.
  • Understanding that a person’s actions come from their thoughts.
  • Realizing that you have the power to decide what a break-up means.
  • Why it is not the situation but rather the narrative that causes the emotion.
  • Why you don’t have to change your thoughts about the person.
  • How to deal with the emotion of sadness.
  • Why you should not merge your identity with the relationship.
  • Accepting the circumstance as neutral and not judging the present on the past.

Listen to the Full Episode:

Featured on the Show:

Full Episode Transcript:

 

[0:00:09.6] ANNOUNCER: Welcome to the Alpha Male Coach Podcast. The only podcast that teaches men the cognitive mastery and alpha mindset that it takes to become an influential and irresistible man of confidence. Here is your host, certified life coach and international man of mystery, Kevin Aillaud.

[EPISODE]

[0:00:32.6] KA: What’s up my brothers? Welcome back to the Alpha Male Coach Podcast. I am your host, Kevin Aillaud. Today we’re going to talk about relationships. Yeah, guys, we’re going back into relationships because relationships are so misunderstood. All of our life is relationships. We’re always in relation to someone or something because relationships are thoughts. We’re always in relationship with our thoughts about people and things. So we’re going to get into relationships today and actually, what we’re going to talk about is how to handle a break up. So how to handle a relationship when it changes and when it changes when you don’t want it to change.

Because if you want to change a relationship, then you do it, right? There’s definitely some fear around being alone. I know that there is some beta mindset, some cognition that creates fear around ending a relationship even when you don’t want to be in it, right? Because of the thoughts about being alone. But I’m talking about a relationship that changes when you don’t want it to change. When you resist the change and how to handle this is really with the alpha state, right? It’s cognitive mastery and emotional ownership. But I want to break that down and I want to talk about three steps. I don’t know the steps because they’re different, but three things you can do to really elevate your alpha, activate your alpha and handle a break up like an alpha male.

So let’s talk about cognition first, guys. Relationships are thoughts, right? Relationships are stories so they really only ever exist in your mind. They’re only ever pieces of thought and a break up is a thought. It’s a story that we tell ourselves. When the relationships change, the story about the relationship may change, all right? But you get to decide how you change the story. If you’re letting the other person determine how the story’s being changed. Then again, you’re going with the environment. You’re going with the circumstance. Remember, the other person is a circumstance. They have decided that they want to change the story of the relationship right. They’re going to take different actions to create different results. That’s all circumstance to you. You get to decide what you make that circumstance mean. What do you make the change in this relationship mean to you?

Certainly, you can make it mean that this is a break up, that this person, you’re losing this person in your life, that this person doesn’t want to be with you, that this person doesn’t like you, that maybe this person has something against you. You can certainly think all those things and a lot of times from our beta condition, we do think those things unconsciously. Because the logic that the beta condition tries to kind of thrust upon us is that, “Hey, look, if this person liked us, then they would want to share their time with us. They’d want to stay in the relationship. They’d want to be here with us,” and that’s not true. That’s not the case because we know that people can like you, love you even and still not want to spend time with you. Just like you can love people and choose not to spend time with them. Choose to, in fact, even spend time with someone else.

So we know that this person’s actions are not coming from anything that you’re doing, right? They’re not coming from your actions. They’re coming from their thoughts. When people act, it comes from their cognition. That’s the model. So when they decide to make this happen, when they decide to change the story, right, they’re taking different actions, you get to decide what you’re making that change in story mean to you. Now, guys, a lot of times we want to say, this person is leaving us, right? This person’s abandoning us. You know, they don’t like us anymore. But again, that’s all from the beta condition and the beta condition — Here’s what the beta condition it loves the past, right? The beta condition loves the past, and it loves to lie to you.

So what the beta condition’s going to do is it’s going to say, “Look, this person doesn’t like you and they’re leaving you,” and it’s going to use that as evidence for how you are unlikable, right? “This person doesn’t like you say they’re leaving you. You must be unlikable,” and the evidence for that is that this person is leaving you. It’s this cycle that the beta condition runs through of fear and scarcity. But a breakup is a thought, right? It’s a story you’re telling yourself. You know, we say, “She’s breaking up with me or broke up with me.” That’s the story. “She’s leaving me or left me.” That’s the story. What does that thought tell you about yourself? If you believe that she left you, what does that mean about you? What do you make it mean about you?

And look, people are not in your life because you want them to be; people in your life because they want to be, right? You aren’t in control of other people. So if other people decide that they want to spend their time with someone else, that has nothing to do with you. If you think it has to do with you, then that is the thought that you want to catch, that’s the beta condition. That’s the sentence in your brain that you want to be aware of, because awareness leads to acceptance and wisdom. So you take that thought and you become aware of it. What are you making this person’s change of action made about you? And when you get to that sentence, when you get to what the beta condition is telling you, that’s the lie. That’s the sentence that’s creating the sadness, right? That’s what’s creating the emotional pain, not the change of the relationship. Not this person spending more time on their own or with other people.

Again, you think it’s the situation. You think it’s not having this person in your life that’s creating the emotion, but it’s not. It’s the story you’re telling yourself about why this person is choosing to do different things. Okay, that’s the move, brother. Now awareness is not enough. Of course, you could become aware of this thought, but the next move is going to be accepting this thought, accepting that the thought that you have is protecting you. What is it protecting you from? It’s protecting you from losing connection. It’s a signal, right? It’s telling you that now is the time to be sad. It’s saying that this is a connection that we liked. We loved. We loved this person. When we thought about this person we felt love and now the connection here is going to be different. Now the relationship is going to be different.

So when you find that thought and you start to accept it and recognize it for what it is, then you can feel the emotion that comes from the thought. In this case it’s probably some sort of sadness, some degree of sadness, either from a very mild bluesy to an intense grief. But in any case, the thought of missing connection with a loved one is going to create some kind of sadness and reacting, avoiding, or resisting that emotion is going keep it coming, right? As you guys know, that’s what’s going to keep coming back. That’s going to be how you don’t handle a break up by resisting, avoiding, or reacting to that sadness. Accept it, brother. Process it. Look, it’s okay. You loved this person. And if you still love this person, which I’m going to get to in a second, you love this person and you’re going to be spending less time with this person. Your life, your results, what happens in your own life is going to be different. And sadness lets you know that it’s okay to be sad, right?

But just process that emotion, but then move forward into your future. This is where we activate wisdom. This is where the alpha steps in and says, “What story do you want to tell? What story do you want to tell about this person and the change in the relationship?” Because you can tell yourself anything you want. And again the alpha is going to be running from the future, right, brother? So that, it’s the past focus. I’m going to miss this person or this person is not going to be in my future as they were in my past. My past has been there. It was there and now I get to move forward into what comes next in my life. Okay?

So again, the story that the beta condition is telling you is, “I won’t be with this person anymore. I won’t share time with this person anymore. I’m not connected with this purse anymore.” That’s all scarcity, right? The beta condition is very scarcity, because it’s only thinking about your connection with this one person. When the alpha state elevates, right? When you step into your alpha state and live into your future as an alpha male, the cognition is very different. I am open to meeting new people. I’m open to meeting new amazing people. There are millions of people in the world, who is going to be the next — who is going to be the next person I choose to spend time with? Who’s going to be the next woman who’s lucky to share time with me, right? Because there’s so many possibilities out there, that’s abundance. That’s the alpha state of abundance.

So number one, guys, when you talk about cognitive mastery is this story that you tell yourself about the circumstance. You get to choose that; circumstance is neutral. The events of the “break up”, which is still a thought. But whatever the events that transpired in circumstance, like maybe, she said, “I want to see other people.” Okay, cool. So what? That’s great. I would love to meet other people. Meeting other people would be amazing, right? Because that’s allows you to go out there and find more people that you have great things in common with. I mean, again, it’s looking at the future versus looking at the past, and it’s all the story you tell yourself about the neutral facts of the event right of the circumstance.

But the other thing, brother, is there’s the thought. Okay, I just got done talking about the story that you tell yourself about the relationship. But there’s also the thought you have about this person. You never, ever, ever have to change that, ever. And this is a difficult thing for a lot of my students that are going through a divorce because they’re going to this divorce and they don’t want to go to this divorce, right? This is the divorce initiated by the wife, and they don’t want this so they feel they’re angry, right? A lot of my students are angry. They feel sad, they feel mad, and it’s because they’re letting the beta condition kind of create this story for them. The beta condition is telling them that this woman doesn’t want to be with them, that she’s rejecting them, and that creates this anger and this sadness, like there’s something wrong with them.

But the truth is, is that this person is the same person that they always were. You don’t have to be mad at this person. You could still love this person. If you’re letting this person determine how you feel about them based on their actions, then you’re in your beta condition, right? Because the beta condition is disempowered. The beta condition allows your emotions to be dictated by other people’s actions. You’re kind of giving your power of emotion over to how other people behave. You get to decide how you feel about this person. If you want to love this person, you can keep loving this person. And let me tell you, that I know this for fact personally, guys, because when I was younger and I was in my beta condition and and relationships would change, I would be upset like I resisted that. I didn’t want that I would push against it. And it created emotions in me that we’re uncomfortable and drove actions that I didn’t want. In fact it drove actions that made it nearly impossible for me to be friendly with any of these women, right? Because I was so mad that I did things that basically turned me into a beta male like a jerk, right? A really big jerk.

When I found the universal truth when I use the model, when I elevated my alpha now walk in freedom as an alpha male, when relationships change, I get to decide how I think about these women and since that time I have never had a relationship end where I wasn’t able to maintain, Ah, friendly, happy rapport with my excess. Because if the relationship changes, whether I decided that I want to change it, what she decides, that she wants to change it, I can still love them. I can still think of them in happy ways, good ways. I can still think that they’re amazing women, even though they don’t. I want to share is much time with me as they used to write, even though they don’t want to tell the same story about our relationship, because I’m in control of the way I think about them. And it’s amazing because I get to be friends with them. It doesn’t matter, like we had our intimate time together for this section of time we were intimate, and now for this section of time, we’re going to maintain our friendship. We’re still have connection. It’s great. It’s an amazing way to live, brother.

Now here’s the thing. Cognitive mastery is not enough because you are going to feel sad like you’re going to. You are going to miss this connection with your loved one. It’s going to happen. Sadness is an indicator of cognition, which is telling you that you miss someone that you love someone and you’re thinking about them. All right. You love someone. You want to be with them that you’re not around them. It’s totally cool to feel sad, bro. It’s totally fine. But here’s the thing. What do you do with sadness? Right? What do you do to handle, right? So you don’t want to avoid it by turning to buffering alcohol, drugs? You know, Nintendo, pornography, television, whatever, right? You don’t want a buffer, right? But you don’t want to resist the emotion, either. You don’t want to resist feeling sad. You want to say, “Oh, it’s all good. No big deal.”

At the same time, I don’t want to react to that sadness either. You don’t wanna be in tears, crying all the time or angry. You know, mad and yelling because that makes things even worse. Processing the emotion is key. Learning how to process and feel an emotion without avoiding resisting are reacting to it is part of emotional ownership. It’s part of being an alpha male. But understanding why you’re sad is also very important because there’s a piece of you that sad about missing this person. But I want you to know something; that emotion is going to be fleeting and the reason why it’s going to be fleeting is because once you reconnect with another loved one, then that sadness will go away. Okay? Because then you have a different thought creating a different emotion. As long as you’re constantly thinking about not having connection, not having connection, not having connection, that you’re going to constantly feeling sad.

So it’s not always about this person because you can always re connect with other people. And that brings me to my second message of sadness, which is actually even more important, brother. Here’s the thing, a lot of times when we get into a relationship, what we do is we connect with that person and our thoughts about that person take over the thoughts we have about ourself. Our relationship with this person almost becomes more important to us than the relationship we have with ourself, and we start to make compromises with ourself for the relation with the other person. Now you might think, “Well of course, like it’s called give and take.” Right? Relations were give and takes.

Well, that’s a thought, right? That’s a theory. It’s a belief. Relations don’t have to be give and take. Relations can be, “This is me. Accept me for who I am. That’s you. I love you for who you are. I don’t need to change. You don’t need to change. Let’s get together and share time together.” That’s an amazing way to have a relationship too. Nobody has to give. Nobody has to take. It’s just the way we are, because that’s the way we are. We accept each other as we are. So when we get into relationships and we start to change and we start to make these sacrifices on the relationship with ourself, we start to say, “It’s okay if I don’t do what I want to do because I’m going to do what this other person wants to do,” and eventually the cognition the neural pathway starts to — you start to think about yourself as a product of the relationship, right? So that you and the relationship have merged into one.

Now, when the relationship changes, what happens? You no longer have the connection to this person, right? You’re thinking you’re going to lose the connection to this person, which creates sadness. But you also have lost the connection with yourself over time because you’re not thinking about yourself anymore. Your likes have become the relationships’ likes, your dislikes and become the relationships’ dislikes and so on. Right? You guys have kind of created this oneness. Have you ever heard of two people becoming one? Again. That is a thought. That is a belief that’s not even possible. Two people don’t become one person.

But when you start to think that, when you start to believe that when you start to live like that, then when the relationship changes, then when the one goes back to being two again, then those two are actually halves, right? It’s not two wholes. It’s just one half. Each person is one half because they’re missing themselves. They’ve lost themselves. And when you lose yourself when you are no longer connected with yourself, you are sad. That is a sadness. That sadness is now telling you, “You’re missing connection with a loved one.” But that loved one isn’t the person you were with, its yourself. You’re missing the connection with yourself because you forgot about it as you were connecting with this other person in the relationship.

So what do you do? You find yourself, brother. You go back to who you are. You go back and find out what your likes are. Let me tell you something, man, there are billions, literally billions of things that you can do in this world, that’s all. Like you work on the relationship with yourself, the story that you tell yourself about yourself. So get out there, explore new hobbies, meet new people. Sure, you can go and meet new people. Go find the next amazing woman that you choose to think loving thoughts about, right? The object of your affection so you can feel love and you could feel amazing because you think about her like this. But also go out there and discover what you enjoy. What brings you joy? Go out there for yourself, get out there and see what life has to offer. Because, as I said, there are billions of stuff out there.

Whether it’s chess or checkers or games like strategy games or whether it’s something active. I mean, you could play tennis, you could go surfing. You could go skydiving. You could take a class. You could learn something. You could learn a foreign language. You could travel. Brother, there are so many things out there for you to do, discover what it is that you love. So that’s number two, right? Emotional ownership. Cognitive mastery of emotional ownership. Cognitive mastery: choose the story that you want to tell yourself about the circumstance and emotional ownership is process the sadness. Listen to the sadness and try to recognize why’s it there?

Are you sad because you’re missing this person, or are you sad because you’re missing yourself because you don’t think about yourself anymore? You don’t know who you are. You don’t know what you like and the relationship you have with yourself. The thoughts you have about yourself are not as strong as they could be to where you’re not going to miss that relationship anymore. Now there’s a third piece, guys, and I’m going to make this one a little quicker because this is really just about resisting what is, okay? This is about resisting the circumstance. If you are going through a change in a relationship, right, if you have this happening in your life and it wasn’t by your choice, then it’s a circumstance.

The other person has — is taking new action. That action is creating a different result for them. They’re creating a different story. But that action is out of your control. It is out of your control because it’s a circumstance. Other people can do what they want. They can always do what they want. So you have to stop resisting the circumstance. If the thought in your mind is, “This person doesn’t want to spend as much time with me and I want them to, like I need them to. I have to have them to. I can’t be without them,” you’re going to suffer, right? You can’t resist a circumstance. It’s like trying to dig a hole to China using a spoon. You can try it. You could spend your whole life doing it, but it’s not going to get you there. It’s not going to work for you.

Accept the circumstance for the way it is. Accept the circumstance for the neutral piece of time that the event has occurred in and recognize that if you’re judging the circumstance based on the past, you’re in your beta condition and you will suffer. The relationship has changed your beta conditions, says, “I don’t want it to change. I resist change. Things should be the way they were before in the past.” That’s suffering. Your alpha state recognizes that things change and that the circumstance, one, you can think anything you want about it. That’s cognitive mastery. But two, that in the grand scheme of time, if you measure the present based on the past, you’re going to be judging it as better or worse.

But if you look at the present in terms of the future, then you have an infinite number of possibilities ahead of you, brother. The beta condition, looking at the past, is binary. It’s a zero-sum game. It’s either better or worse, right? Up or down. But the alpha state, looking at the future, is not binary. It’s not zero sum. It’s not scarcity based. It’s not either or, its infinite. It’s anything you want it to be, and that is the power of recognizing and accepting the circumstance for what it is. I’ve told the story of a farmer, I’ve told it before in a previous podcast, but very quickly let me tell the short version. There’s a farmer, he had a horse, and he lets his horse go and the villagers come over and they say, “That is bad,” right?

They feel sad for the farmer because they’re looking at the farmer’s actions, they’re judging it in that short period of time and they’re saying, “Without that horse, you’re not going to be able to bring in as many crops. You’re not going to have this much of a harvest as us, and you won’t have as much food for your family.” They were sad for him. The farmer said, “Maybe, maybe not.” The next day the horse comes back, but he brings five younger horses with him, and the villagers again come. They say, “This is good. We’re happy for you because now you have your horse, but you also these younger horses so you can do more work and get more harvest.” The farmer says, “Maybe, maybe not.”

The next day, the farmer’s son goes out to tame one of the new younger wild horses, gets thrown from the horse, breaks his leg and the villagers come out again they’re sad. They’re sad for the farmer. They say, “Your son has broken his leg. He won’t be able to help you when the harvest comes in, you won’t be as bountiful of a harvest as we have. We feel sad for you,” and the farmer says, “Maybe, maybe not.” The next day the country goes to war. The government comes in. They take all the able bodied young kids. But because the farmer’s son has a broken leg, the government doesn’t take the farmer’s son. So now the villagers come to the farmer and they say, “We’re so happy. This is great for you. Our sons have gone to war. Whereas your son, when his leg heals, he’ll be here for you and the harvest whereas our sons, they’ll be gone for the harvest. You’ll be able to do more work, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.” The farmer says, “Maybe, maybe not.”

Here’s what I want you to know from the story, guys: the farmer accepts the circumstance for what it is. It’s neutral. Maybe good may be bad, you know, it’s all subjective. We’ll see. We’ll see what happens. The farmer’s a future-focused thinker. He’s not looking at the past and saying, “Well, you’re right. My son’s got his broken leg so based on the past, he’s not going to be able to help me. So without him, I’m not going to be able to get the harvest.” The farmer’s just kind of like, “We’ll see what happens. I’m looking into the future. I’m not thinking I’m not worried about the past. I’m looking at the future and all these things you guys are coming to me about these villagers is neutral.” When you are going through this change in relationship, recognize that — be the farmer. Recognize that, look, maybe this could be a bad thing. Maybe this could be a good thing, but it’s just a thing. It just is what it is.

We’re going to find out the reason for this it might be that you’re going through this change in relationship so that a new relationship two months from now can come into your life. Let me ask you this, brother. Let me Let me just say this: if you knew the future and you knew there was the woman of your dreams out there and you were going to meet her in two months, would you still be sad about the change in the relationship in your past? Of course you wouldn’t, right? You’d be excited. You’re sad because you’re past-focused thinking, right? You’re sad because you’re looking at this and you’re in that scarcity and you’re looking at this one person. You now are free to have your future, an infinite abundance of future ahead of you, and that’s the move.

So stop judging the present based on the past, right? The present just is. The present is a circumstance. It’s neutral. The beta condition is running a thought based on your conditioning from the past. That’s what the beta condition loves to do. Separate the circumstance from your thoughts about it. Accept the circumstance for what it is. Then, my brother, choose the cognition that serves you. That is the alpha way. And that’s what I got for you today, my friends. Hey, check this out. I just want to put this out there to you today. I am really excited to announce that I have a brand new indomitable self confidence program. It’s an eight weeks program, and it will change your life. I’m talking about changing your confidence, going from Steve Urkel to Tony Stark. Even if you’re already at a Tony stark level. Even if you already have lots and lots of confidence this program will increase your confidence.

And what’s better about this program, really, the benefit that you get from it is that you learn how to create confidence and use confidence when you want it, and that means going into groups, right? If you have social anxiety, you can create confidence and use it when you go into a group of strangers. If you have approach anxiety, you can create confidence and use it to talk to that girl that you find beautiful, attractive. And again, you want to talk to her because you find her attractive. There’s a reason you find attractive and you need to explore that reason. But it will be the confidence that gets you to act. And you can feel confidence naturally, you can kind of let it happen, but it doesn’t naturally occur. It has to be developed, so learning how to create it and execute it, activate it, use it when you want it, that is cognitive mastery and emotional ownership. And that’s why I’m so excited about the indomitable self confidence program.

Brother, Go to my website, TheAlphaMaleCoach.com. It’s going to be right there on the front if you just scroll down a tiny bit. I got it announced right there on the front. You can also go up to courses and it’ll be there.

All right, my brother, until next week. As always, you are an alpha male. That’s what you are. The beta condition are the sentences in your brand. That is not who you are. You are the alpha. Elevate your alpha.

[END OF EPISODE]

[0:26:48.6] ANNOUNCER: Thank you for listening to this episode of the Alpha Male Coach podcast. If you enjoy what you’ve heard and want even more, sign up for unleash your alpha. Your guide to shifting to the alpha mindset. At the alphamalecoach.com/unleash.

[END]

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