Ep#115: Commitment in Relationships

[INTRODUCTION]

ANNOUNCER: Welcome to The Alpha Male Coach Podcast, the only podcast that teaches men the cognitive mastery and alpha mindset that it takes to become an influential and irresistible man of confidence. Here’s your host, certified life coach and international man of mystery, Kevin Aillaud.

[EPISODE]

[00:00:33] KA: What’s up, my brothers? Welcome back to The Alpha Male Coach Podcast. I am your host, Kevin Aillaud and we have a big topic to get into today, a big topic. I’m really excited about this topic, because I think that there’s a lot of confusion when it comes to relationships, when it comes to commitment in relationship. But you know what, there’s a lot of confusion when it comes to relationships in general. Here’s the thing guys, like relationships are one of, if not the most misunderstood facets of the human experience. The reason is because, we don’t understand the truth. We’re misaligned with the truth. We have an understanding of the outer world, but we don’t have an understanding of the inner world, so we don’t really understand what relationships are.

But before getting into that, I have a couple of offers for you guys. First, if you haven’t already done this, go over to Instagram. If you’re on Instagram already, then just type The Alpha Male Coach. Follow that feed, because one of our Spartans, George is doing an amazing job with that. He is uploading almost daily to the feed. I’m doing a weekly Instagram television episode, so check those out, follow that page. But also guys, the other thing I want to let you know is, starting next Friday and going through the end of 2020, I’m going to offer all Alpha Male courses to you at 50% off whatever they cost now. The courses that I’ve got on the website, the Indominable Self-Confidence course, the How to Live Your Purpose course, the How to Stop Buffering course. All those courses, they’re going to be offered at a discount.

I’ll be reminding you guys about this through the rest of the year, so you can take advantage of these courses and really start watching them, and doing the work in them, and applying them to your life. So that when you do your roles and 2021 hits, you guys will be running. You’ll be making those moves in the new year. Now is the time to make that commitment to yourself, to personal development, to connecting with yourself and living the life you’re meant to.

Speaking of commitment, let’s get into it. Let’s get into talking about commitment in relationship. I’ve talked about commitment before. Being an alpha male means that you make commitments, you make commitment to yourself and you make commitments to relationships. Where we get confused or where we get misaligned or misunderstanding is what commitments and relationships are and the conditioning that we have around both of these usually will lead us down a path of unnecessary suffering and personal disempowerment.

What I’ve talked to you guys about before when it comes to commitment, is commitments you make to yourself and your goals, right? You set a goal, you put something in the R line of the model of alignment and you go after it. It’s like, “I’m making a commitment to this. This is what I’m going to commit to. This is what I’m committing to.” And you make that commitment in a way that you just continue to move for. You take massive action until the outcome is achieved, until you have achieved the goal. That kind of commitment is the commitment to the outcome. It’s a commitment to the results, always a commitment to the result. Because the commitment you make to yourself is already there, right? It’s immutable. It’s something that you have always.

In your alpha state, brother, understand that what I’m talking about is as an alpha male. As an alpha male, you are in that space of indomitable self-confidence where the thoughts you think about yourself don’t change. You’re always knowing of your own amazingness, you’re always knowing of your own strength, your own capability, your own capacity, your own ability to create, your own ability to work with the law as the law works with you. So you have that and you know that. Those thoughts don’t change. You don’t need to make a commitment to yourself because that commitment is, like I said, immutable, right? It’s always there. The commitment you make is to the goal, it’s to the outcome, it’s to the workability of creation. You’re making a commitment to the actions in order to get the results.

Now, it’s the same in relationships. But first, my friend, my brother, we have to begin with what relationships are. Because if I just say it’s the same in relationships, in your mind, your brain may go straight to, “Oh, so I’m committing to those relationship,” which means I’m committing to this person and you’re not. I’m saying this right now, I’m saying this boldly and emphatically, you are not committing to a person because you are never committing to a person or a thing, just like you’re never in a relationship with a person or thing. If you haven’t heard me say this before, if this is the first podcast you’ve listened to, then I’m going to say this and I’m going to tell you that this is an alpha male tenant. Living as an alpha male, this is kind of like one the rules that you — I won’t want to say rules, but it’s one of the laws that you just know. It’s a part of the way you think about the world.

The way you think about the world in this way is that you’re never in a relationship with a person or thing. You’re never in a relationship with the outer world of form. You’re only in a relationship with your thoughts about a person or thing, because you’re in that relationship with your mind, and the relationship with your mind, the relationship with the way you think is what’s creating that outer world of form. This distinction is so important and it serves that strong foundation of truth. When you have that strong foundation of truth and you’re able to work with that truth, work within the law.

Now that you know that you’re not in relationship with a person or a thing, is like how do you commit to a relationship? Well, there’s more, okay. It’s not just — we’re not just not in a relation with a person or thing, and that we’re only ever in a relationship with our thoughts about a person or thing, but there’s more. I want to tell you more about what relationships are. Because when you’re in a relationship with another person, you are actually in three distinct relationships or thoughts that are happening simultaneously. So first, hold on to the truth that you’re not in relation with a person or thing, you’re in a relationship with your thoughts about a person or a thing. Relationships are your thoughts. They are the thoughts that you have about things and people.

Number two, that those thoughts are held in a group of three when you’re in a relationship with another person. There are the thoughts that we have about ourselves and the relationship, right? Our role, who we are, what we show up as, what we think about ourselves in relation to the relationship and this person. That’s number one. We also have the thoughts we have about the other person in the relationships. So who are they? What is their role? Other thoughts we about who they are and what they mean to us in this relationship. That’s number two. But there’s also the thoughts we have about the relationship itself, and that is where we begin to make our commitments.

As an alpha male, the relationship you have with yourself is indomitable. I already went through that. It’s not that you are going to change your thoughts about yourself because you enter into a relationship with a romantic partner. Now, that does happen. That does happen my friend, and I call that the gamma trap. This is where you begin to sort of let go of the thoughts you have about yourself, right? You start to lose that sense of self, lose that sense of self-worth. It’s kind of like where you show up without boundaries, without boundaries around protecting that space that is you, right? So it does happen, it’s called the gamma trap. It’s okay if that happens, there’s a cognitive way to get out of it. You can realign yourself with yourself right. You can always get back to that alpha state and get back into that living as an alpha male in that relationship. But when that happens, you’re in that beta condition, you’re in that gamma trap.

As an alpha male, you don’t change the way you think about yourself so you are not making a commitment to yourself in the relationship because you already have that. That’s indomitable, right? Now, the relationship that you have with your partner also doesn’t change because the relationship you have with your partner, here we go, with that being in that relationship with that person, because you’re not in a relationship with that person. You’re in a relationship with your thoughts about that person. Those are totally up to you. Again, it comes down to, what is the story you tell yourself about who this person is. When you’re in your beta condition my friend, you will have stories that look like they are specific to that individual, right? You’re going to have stories that begin to manifest around the personality that this, that you see in this individual, right? All the demonstration that you think is coming from that person, right? That’s a beta conditioner manifestation.

The way that person really is, who that person really is, is the same as you, right? Just as another being who is living within the law of creation, who has thoughts, right? Who has that mind that is working through emotion and vibration to create their world, their results, their life and the life around us. So when we know that, we know we’re connected. We’re connected to other people. We’re always connected through love. Now, you don’t always have to choose love, but love is always an option. That’s why when two people are together and they’re both aligned with the truth, that’s when we have the best of all relationships, right? You have that affection, you have that sexuality, you have that embracing, you have those words of affirmation and so on.

When you choose love and the other person is not in alignment with the truth, when one of you are and one of you is not, that’s okay as well, because there’s still the compassion, right? There’s still the compassion for the other person’s illusion that is causing them suffering, so that you can show up in your alpha state as supportive, encouraging, attentive and receptive and so on. The thoughts about the other person doesn’t change. When you’re in your alpha state, the thoughts about you are indomitable, right? The thoughts about the other person are always in love. It’s always in unity and love.

When you make a commitment, you’re not committing to you or the entity that you perceive is this other person. You’re committing to the relationship itself you’re committing to the thoughts you have about the relationship and the vision, or the outcome or the goals that you have in that relationship. It’s very similar if not the same as making a commitment to personal goals. Relationship goals are the goals that you create with your partner together in vision and moving forward into the future.

Now, here’s the thing. This is the difference between committing to a person and committing to a relationship or committing to a future, committing to an outcome. When you commit to a person, you’re not committing to a person at all, right? You’re committing to a tendency, you’re committing to a passing or shifting of consciousness I know that that may seem like weird and spiritual, but that’s the truth. Like a human being, what we see manifest in demonstration or when we hear somebody say something or we see somebody do something. What we see is not who they are. What we see is a manifestation of their cognomotive state. It’s a circumstance that we haven’t thought about, and through our thoughts, we get feelings and actions. But what we’re seeing is not the trueness of who they are. We’re seeing that tendency. We’re seeing that moment. We’re seeing that demonstration of their, again, cognomotive state of their thoughts and emotions.

It seems, it makes it appear as though it manifest in personality. It seems that there could be a permanence in this. It’s like, “Well, this person has done this consistently, they do this all the time.” So that must mean that it is who they are. It is a part of their personality. This is all part of the human condition my friend. This is why it can appear as though we’ve been betrayed. It can appear as though we’ve been taking advantage of or that this other person is untrustworthy, because the appearance comes from our own misunderstanding of what this other person really is. No one ever breaks our trust. This is the illusion. The truth is we project upon this person, this entity, a store that we created based on the tendencies that we’ve observed and judged and formed from these tendencies a story of a belief in consistency. That this person will always behave in the way that we tell ourselves they will behave, right? So when we commit to that, we commit to our story about this person. We’re setting ourselves up for all those things I mentioned, all those things like to be taken advantage of, or to be betrayed, or to be lied to, or define this other person to be untrustworthy beginning a place of judgment.

Now, as long as this person never changes, which is to say as long as they continue to reaffirm the story we tell ourselves about how they’re going to behave, then we’ll continue to consider them trustworthy, right? They’re continuing to match our story and we can continue to make a commitment to them without suffering in order for them to change and remain trustworthy to us, right? In order for them to make a difference. In order for them to become more of who they are, to make a change. Even to change into the opposite direction, to de-evolve. And in order for that to happen and to remain trustworthy to us, they can only do that with our permission, they can we make those changes that we give them permission to make. Because if they don’t get our permission ahead of time, then what happens to our commitment. Then we feel as though those commitments have been violated. We feel as though we’ve been betrayed again. We’re back in that place of, “Well, they did something outside of our story and we did not give them permission to do that first.”

This is a form of control, and it stems from fear and it comes from our beta condition. We don’t need to give other people permission to change. Other people don’t need our permission to changed when they choose to be something or demonstrate something different, it may come from their desire to please us quite frankly, but it doesn’t come from their desire to get approval or to seek permission from us. There’s going to just behave that their action is going to come from how they think and feel. Even if it violates our story, that’s why making a commitment to a person comes down to conditioning.

When we commit to people, we’re not actually thinking about our commitment, we’re just being conditioned to make commitments. And I daresay that most humans have never really thought critically about what it means to make a commitment. We’re just told that commitments are important. We’re just told that it is up — that we should make commitments, that commitments are good, that when you commit to people, you’re being virtuous, you’re doing the right thing. We never really thought critically about what it means to make a commitment, and the definition of what a commitment is. The definition itself is usually conditioned in us and has led to cognitive and emotional suffering, which has led to unnecessary cognitive and emotional suffering. Because what it leads to, it leads us down the road of manuals, it lead us down the road of emotional blackmail.

If you think about it, when you make a commitment to a person, you commit to this person. Say, “No matter what this person does, I’m committing to them. No matter how the relationship manifests, I’m committing to this individual.” What happens is, you’re committing to basically surrendering. You’re committing to becoming their servant or their caretaker, or at worst, even their victim. Because when you commit to a person, you’re not committing to that individual, you’re committing to a tendency of thought, emotion and movement. You’re committing to whatever emotional feeling they’re having in that space and time. However, they demonstrate that emotion, whatever thought pattern that is going through them at that moment, you’re abdicating what you want and what your dreams, your desires are to that tendency, to that fleeting constantly moving apparition.

I’ve seen this happen thousands of times, right? The commitment is, I commit to you and now I must serve your tendencies. I must serve your thoughts. I must serve your feelings. I must serve your behaviors. This of course, you let go of yourself, you lose yourself in that service and you suffer. The alpha male my friend does not commit to a human being, they don’t commit to a person because there is no person. There is a cellular form, but that person that we perceive in personality is actually a tendency. What we commit to, when we commit to relationship is the functionality of the relationship. It’s not the commitment to the person, because the person, the bond with the person is eternal. it’s infinite when you’re in your alpha state. When you’re in your alpha state, there is a knowing that you and this other person are already in that space of oneness. You’re already in that space of subjective creation.

The commitment is made to the building of the relationship itself. It’s made in the commitment to the partnership, to the outcome, right? To the creating, to the contributing, to the agreements, to the direction. to the vision, to the principles that you have made between you and your partner, the agreements and the wants that you two have in order to build a future together. That’s the commitment. The commitment is made to functionality and workability.

As an alpha male, the bond with your partner is intrinsic, right? It’s abiding, it’s eternal, it’s immutable. There is this bonded physicality perhaps, but you know that it’s always a bond psychologically and spiritually. The bond is one that we make in creating the story we tell ourselves about the other person and the building of the story that we tell ourselves about the relationship. And the bond that we make with this person is unconditional because it was there before existence, it was there before we met this person. The bond we make to the relationship however is based on the story and the vision that we create with this person, not about this person.

The commitment an alpha male makes to a relationship, when you’re in your alpha state, when you’re living as an alpha male, you’re making a commitment to a relationship as a day-to-day choice to address, to bring to the surface and to process and resolve issues that appear as barriers in the vision creating process. The same way you do with yourself. When you make a commitment to yourself to achieve a goal when barriers and obstacles present themselves in your achievement of this goal, right, in you’re going after this goal. Then you address and process and resolve those issues. It’s the same in a relationship. When you have a vision with your partner to build a future together, and barriers and obstacles arise, you show up as an alpha. When you’re in your alpha state, you show up today choosing to address, and process and resolve these issues to build this vision, to create this future together.

If your attention is aroused by another person, by another entity, another cellular form, then this is an offering to you. This is the time to upload the information being offered to you, right? But the commitment you made to stay with this person remains. You don’t just go off and say, “Well, I’m just going to go on and be with his other person.” You understand where that arousal is coming from, and you bring it to your partner. The commitment to stay with this person remains as long as, I’m going to say this, you and she are both engaged in the relationship effectively as if the relationship is both working, either working now or you are engaged in making the relationship more effective and working to make it greater. If it’s not working, you’re committed to its workability.

This is why you commit to the relationship, not to a person, my friend. You commit to the existential function and workability of the partnership, not to the bio psychospiritual tendency that manifests in this cellular form. If you don’t know what I mean when I say that, what I mean is, you’re committing to the future of the partnership. You’re not committing to the passing of a demonstration coming from a mental and emotional being. I’ll say this, mindless determination to a commitment just saying, I’m committed to this thing. I’m committed to this person. I’m committed to this marriage. I’m committed to this cohabitation. I’m committed to this contract. I’m committed to this — I’m just committed to being committed. This is all silly, this is all nonsense. This is not commitment. This is a thought error that occurs from the beta condition stemming from fear.

An alpha male loves unconditionally, unconditional love, but never makes an unconditional commitment. Because an alpha male will determine the extent and length of his commitment. There is no commitment made in perpetuity, my friend. Change is constant. That is what we know we know. We know that we will always be changing. We will always be moving from one form to another. That is in consciousness, that is in life. And because change is constant in form, there is no permanent commitment that can be made in form in the world. You can make a commitment to growing into something that you both agree on, but you don’t make a commitment to one person who has the potential to change, who has the potential to — that person can change, you can change, you both can change or neither of you can change. But change is constant and therefore, any commitment will create eventually suffering. If it were not this way, then like I say, the commitments would just be an active submission. It wouldn’t be a commitment. It would just be, “I submit to you. Whatever happens in the future doesn’t matter, I am going to be here with no boundaries, no sense of self, no sense of self-worth, just as a slave, as a caretaker as a victim.”

An alpha male makes a commitment to a relationship that is working. You got to make sure that it’s working or at least workable. That there is a way to make it better, but will also withdraw his commitment when things are no longer workable. This is to say, “I can love you and still leave you. I can be afraid of something and still do it.” If things are not working, then there is the commitment to make them workable. When this fails, the relationship is complete. Not the love, not the way you think about this person, but just the way you engage in the relationship. And understand the difference between a commitment to workability and vow to finite or infinite time.

Many of my students have made vows, many of you have probably made vows. A vow is a promise to remain attached to a person, a relationship regardless of whether it works or not. A vow is something that say, “It doesn’t matter if this is working, it doesn’t matter if this workable, it doesn’t matter whether you want to work on it or not. It doesn’t matter what happens regardless the amount of physical or mental abuse that you may be giving to me or I may be giving to you, it doesn’t matter. We made a vow to be attached to each other.” That’s it. That’s the vow.

Now, since the purpose of relationship is twofold, number one, it’s the building of a form of result, right? It’s the building of a common goal. It’s a building of a common vision. It’s the building of a future together. That’s number one. And number two, the purpose of the relationship is personal alignment with the self, personal alignment with truth, which is to seek love and happiness and experience. Is to have that fulfilled, an experience with another person.

Now, I got to tell you. When we do the critical thinking around how to engage in commitment versus stating vows, this is not an arbitrary exercise. The purpose of being in a relationship is not the conservation of an institution. It’s not the conservation of institution whether that be marriage or whether that would be dating protocols, or whether that be conditioned outcomes. Whatever conditioning we have, the college, the job, the marriage, the white–picked fence, two dog, two cars in a garage, two kids and a dog, whatever. Commitments are reasonable. Commitments are evolving. Vows are dangerous, vows create suffering. Commitments are to growth. Commitments are to workability. Vows are to amount of time. Vows are two people and vows are to things.

Now, I also want to say something very quickly about vows, because I want you to understand where they come from. It’s not that I’m just saying that vows are bad, right? I want you to understand there is no good or bad, my friend. I’ve always held that position. It’s not about right or wrong, good or bad. It’s just about, is it serving you and where does it come from? Does it come from a place of love or does it come from a place of fear? Vows put us in a very precarious position, of personal desire and cognitive dissonance. You got to remember that human beings are capable of anything.

When we give or receive vows, we are pulling a shade of denial over the story that we tell ourselves about whether this person is capable of change or not. We’re basically saying that the capabilities of this person in an attempt to make ourselves exempt from any pain that we associate with scarcity and disconnection, all of that betrayal, hurt and abandonment will not happen with this person as long as they tell me it won’t happen, as long as they give me this vow that it won’t happen. Most people come to realize the hard way that vows are nothing more than wishes. They’re certainly not laws through which relationships operate. The only operating lawn relationship is the same immutable and universal law that turns thoughts into things and shows us that people are not personalities, they’re tendencies of thought and they’re mirrors of the self. Just know that if you’re choosing to do a vow, you’re choosing to receive or give vows, then really what you’re doing is you’re setting yourself up for an impossibility. You’re asking a being of change to become changeless. Understand that.

Now, for a truly alpha relationship to function, there is the knowing of the infinite bond between the self and the other person, right? There’s that separation that is the illusion. In addition to the commitment made to the existential vision that you have for creation. This is the partnership. This is where the want match is coming, because this requires this process of creating, it requires a process of keeping agreements with each other and handling those obstacles as they arrive from a place of solution, rather than a place of blame, knowing that you’re in it together, that your forming and creating a future together. This allows the relationship to exist even after completion.

Brothers, I’ve said this and this is true. I go on loving all my partners unconditionally even after the relationship has become unworkable, because it’s not about the functionalities, it’s not about the math. I’m still bonded with this person in spirit and in love, and I tell them with genuine sincerity like I love you no matter what. I will always be here to support you. If you ever need anything, give me a call, right? Not that I’m going to show up and provide whatever it is you’re seeking, but I will always love you no matter what and I will be in your life. I’m available cognitively, spiritually. At the same time, I am not available in form. I now choose to no longer live with you or I choose to no longer build with your or no longer date you or whatever.

The bond I hold with this person are these people in my mind is unconditional and it goes on regardless of the circumstance even as the day-to-day commitment to building may be complete. Because as an alpha male, I am able to combine unconditional love with conditional commitment and this is what I want you guys to take from this podcast. Unconditional love for the person with conditional commitment to the functional workability of the relationship. That is the alpha commitment to relationship. This manifestation relationship is alpha male behavior. You will feel it, you will know it within you, because it shows up, it demonstrates as a loving embrace with the other person instead of that fearful addictive sort of needy and desperate clutching or desire to hang on and not let go.

This is different with kids. I’m going to tell you this because I know a lot of you guys out there have kids. This is different with children, but it’s not different with wives, it’s not different with adults. It’s only different with kids. A parent has unconditional love for their child and makes an unconditional commitment to them, a lifetime commitment. An adult has unconditional love for another adult and makes a conditional commitment to an adult partner, because adults can take care of themselves. Unconditional love means to love from that place that is unconditioned in us. So when we’re unconditioned, when we’re in our alpha state, we love from the place that is unconditioned by fear, unconditioned by attachment, unconditioned by control, unconditioned by any sense of weird entitlement. We love from this place and into this place. We unconditionally love the other person for that which is unconditioned in them. That is the oneness, right? That’s that spirituality that people talk about. That’s the same essence of who we are. They have their alpha state, we have our alpha state and it is the bonding of these two alpha states that we find ourselves in unity, in oneness.

Our commitment however must be conditional, and it must be conditional because we know that there is a conditioning in us and a conditioning in other people. This conditioning in us and in others is the tendency that we see. This tendency can change at any time through evolution or de-evolution, because humans have the capacity for change, which is to say, they have the capacity to either remove the barriers that prevent them from knowing more of who they are or create obstacles that separate them more from who they are.

Unconditional commitment can create and lead to codependence, and understand that it’s usually uses a cop out, it’s usually used as an excuse for avoiding the illusion of pain. Knowing that you can say to someone, “I can love you and choose not to be with you” is the same as saying to someone, “I can fear something and still do it.” When we’re in codependence, the less we receive from a partner the more we want to give, right? It’s almost like there’s this idea, this cognitive disillusion or cognitive thought error that says, the more we give, the other person will see that I’m giving in and then they’ll love me more, right? I’ll just give more, give more, give more. This will make them love me, love me, love me more. This is the beta condition. I understand this is not coming from the alpha states. It’s not giving with no receiving. It’s not this idea that I need to give, because I don’t receive. You’re always receiving, you’re receiving from yourself and I don’t want to go down that wormhole.

The idea here is that we don’t feel loved by the other person enough because we’re not loving ourselves enough. So we think it must be because we aren’t giving enough and being unconditionally committed keeps us in the space of giving and never receiving, because we keep giving, we never feel loved and we think we’re not giving enough. So eventually, that thought we’re not giving enough leads to guilt and later resentment, or even anger. When we all of a sudden recognize that we’ve been giving and that we haven’t been receiving, and this is not right, now there’s the suffering.

What happens when you’re in a relationship and your needs aren’t being met? I get this question a lot, brothers. I get this question a lot from guys who have made a commitment to a duration, like till death do us part type of duration. And they feel trapped in a partnership with the other person, their spouse doesn’t want to build something together anymore, right? Either they’ve stepped out of the marriage, or they don’t want to be intimate with their partner, or they don’t want to be working on growth, they don’t want to be working on building, or maybe even they’ve turned and now there’s some sort of anger, and there’s some sort of abuse happening in the relationship.

If the relationship is no longer growing towards something in partnership and teamwork, then I got to tell you, it is dying. The death of maintenance and divergence. So look, brother, the first thing to keep in mind and this is in order to align yourself with your alpha status. This is in order to align yourself with the truth. The first thing to keep in mind is that there’s nothing going wrong here. There is nothing going wrong now. There is nothing going wrong here. There’s nothing going wrong at any time. That is always the first thought, it’s always the first belief, the first truth you want to begin to realize. Because as long as you’re resisting what’s happening and telling yourself there’s something wrong here, you’re not going to be able see the truth. Everything as it happens is perfect and exactly what you need at that moment. There’s a lesson, there’s something that the universe is telling you, it’s happening for you.

If your needs are not being met and my needs — I’m not talking about like your needs to sleep, your need to eat. I’m talking about the intimacy needs that come when two or more people are connected in vibration and form, in relationship. If those needs are not being met, then it becomes even more important for you to value your partner for who she is, instead of what she does or doesn’t do, is to really step into that love and compassion and understand that what she is doing or is not doing is a tendency, it’s not who she really is. If you are not receiving from her, from your partner any attention, or acceptance, or appreciation or affection, then at first, at the beginning, that has to be okay with you, right? This doesn’t give you cause, it doesn’t give you reason, it doesn’t give you excuse to say, I’m out. I’m done. You didn’t sleep with me tonight, so I’m getting a divorce.” Like that’s not what I’m saying, right?

No one is going to be locked on all the time. When your partner is feeling — when your partner is in her beta condition, right, when she’s feeling weak, when she’s feeling needy, when she’s not available to you due to her own suffering, that has to be okay with you. That has to be okay with you temporarily. That has to be okay with you temporally, just like there is a knowing within you that is okay with her when you are engaged with your beta condition, which I’m sure happens and probably happens fairly frequently. The assuredness in this is that it is a temporary thing. I say that. It’s a temporary thing.

If on the other hand it happens too often or if it happens chronically, then it is up to you my friend to ask yourself the question about the commitment you have made to the relationship. Did you make a commitment to this personal matter how long they abuse drugs, no matter how long they abuse alcohol, no matter how long they abuse you or how long they abuse themselves? Did you make a commitment to this person no matter what names they call you or for how many years they been yelling, screaming and putting you down? Did you make a commitment to them no matter if they strike you, no matter if they strike the kids, no matter if they have sex with other people, no matter if they steal your money or charge your credit cards, not matter if they simply no longer have any interest in personal care or personal hygiene or showing you any kind of love that they no longer show for themselves? Is that the commitment that you made?

Or did you made a commitment to the relationship that is no longer functioning and no longer has a commitment from the other person to work towards making it function? Did you make a commitment to the vision? Did you make a commitment to the goals that one partner in this relationship is no longer working towards? Think about it like a business relationship. If you enter into a business relationship and your goals are to work together to create this vision. If your business partner all of a sudden decides to stop selling widgets and start taking the money from the business and going off taking vacations, then you got to be asking yourself, “Do you still want to be in business with this person?” It doesn’t make them a bad person. You don’t have to change the way you think about them. You could still be friends with them. You could still love them, but do you still want to collude with them going into a business with a different idea on what you want as an outcome? Do you still want to be in a relationship where you’re no longer working towards the same goal?

It’s the same with your romantic partnerships. There’s no different in a romantic relationship. Let’s say your partner has developed an addiction. Let’s say that over the course of your relationship and your commitment that you made, your partner has developed an addiction and an addiction to a substance or an emotion makes no difference. If your partner has engaged themselves in inner suffering, how it manifest, whether it’s manifesting through substance abuse or through vibration and emotion, like an anger or fear or sadness or hatred, it’s all the same. In this circumstance, you can ask yourself, “Am I a partner in growth and teamwork? Or am I a caretaker of this individual?” Let me say that it is the responsibility of the individual to find the help they need so they can fulfill their personal role in any partnership or relationship. We don’t help other people, brother. We only offer to help them help themselves.

If you do find yourself in the circumstance where you are growing and maybe your partner is not, or where you and your partner are growing towards different goals, different directions, maybe you’ve communicated to your partner what your needs are and she has refused to meet them, or is not being out of ignorance or abuse, then it’s time to take action. You got to understand that there is a fine, yet clear line between the beta condition choice to stay with someone who consciously refuses to fulfill our needs, and the alpha state choice to tolerate this situation temporarily, knowing that it is a tendency not a chronic situation.

We are not respecting ourselves when we put up with abusive behavior or a general pattern of negativity. And we’re definitely not respecting ourselves when we’re hardly accounting for our own happiness and desires, our own human experience. However, we are honoring our commitment when we tolerate these occasional piers of suffering in our partner and show up in these periods with love, compassion and support. I’ll tell you something, it’s these periods that are required for us to understand compassion and support, because the balance of emotion reveals to us that there will be times when humans feel sad, or angry, or depressed, or afraid, or frustrated or whatever. And in that emotional place, it will be difficult to focus on the relationship.

When we acknowledge that there are times when our partner will come through for us and there are times when they won’t, we also respect where they are and the humanness that allows for distress and disease, and we realize that we will end up both as observers and observed in the state of being. When we are struggling, we are going to be the observed. Our partners are going to be looking at us and thinking the same thing that we’re thinking about them, and we have to enter into that place of compassion and empathy from the space of, “I understand that this is a part of suffering through your mind, through cognition. It is not the truth of who you are. And I am an alpha and I can make allowance for this. I can make allowance for us in our relationship, because I know and I can guess that this pain drives your actions and your words.”

But I’m going to tell you, it does not preclude the need for boundaries. And well, I am not going to go into great detail on how to set and enforce boundaries just due to the time. I could see this is one of the longest podcasts I’ve put out in a while. I am going to emphasize that boundaries protect our commitments in ourselves. The man without boundaries makes his commitment to the maintenance of a relationship, not to its development, not to its function or to its workability, not to its growth. Clear boundaries allow us to see when a relationship is not working and we bring our partner into that with us so that we can make it workable. And if our partner chooses to honor our boundaries, then the relationship develops and builds a deeper bond. If they choose not to honor boundaries, then we make another request. If no agreements can be made that are amicable and acceptable, the commitment is withdrawn and the relationship is complete.

All right, brothers. I’m going to close this up because we are approaching 40 minutes. I just want to remind you, the commitment you make to knowing that separation is an illusion, right? In the matrix, there is outline with no boundary. But nevertheless, the truth of this realization does not eliminate the need for boundaries in the world of effect, in the world that we experience as human beings. It is our cognitive destiny to acknowledge oneness, to acknowledge unity and it is also our material and psychological task to let go of our belief in that separation. We have to experience life as we know it. For the truth that there is no solid separate being that exist independent of all energy, this does not preclude that in fact it includes the in alliable and self-evident personal responsibility that we take as humans. This is the whole truth. This is the unified truth. This is your alpha. This is the unified mind, body and spirit that we are one yet separate. That we are vibration, yet matter. That we are an archipelago in sea, yet we are one mass coming from beneath the water. From here, this knowledge, we can make an unconditional commitment to loving the other person, loving that being, that entity and a conditional commitment to living in function and workability with that person.

Until next week, my friends. Elevate your alpha.

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[00:40:44] ANNOUNCER: Thank you for listening to this episode of the Alpha Male Coach Podcast. If you enjoyed what you’ve heard and want even more, sign up for Unleash your Alpha, your guide to shifting to the alpha mindset, at the alphamalecoach.com/unleash.

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