Ep#141: The Relationships With Your Self

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As we move into a month focused on relationships, I wanted to share two episodes with you, brothers. This week we will be looking at the relationship with ourselves, and next week we will transfer this idea into the realm of other people. I want to be clear, this subject is not dealing with the ego and identity, but rather is me being bold and trying to explain something very difficult, something that is almost impossible to explain! There are many barriers to understanding this subject of relationships properly, and the chief among them is that this is something that has to be experienced and cannot just be told.

The foundation of this episode is that relationships are thoughts, and are the way we think about and relate to the world and things around us. This is the way we perceive everything, through this lens. To help underline this message, I give you a quick reminder of the four layers of circumstance and how misunderstanding these can lead to disconnection and fear. The reality is one of connection and oneness, but it is easy to slip into a state of untruth and separation, this is part of being human!

So ultimately we want to get back to love and truth, and this state is, yes, you guessed it, the alpha state! When we accept the alpha, we are able to be one with all in this way, despite the mind’s tendency to separate. We can get to the bottom of the self, and address the feelings of imperfection and being flawed that arise out of the illusion of duality. These are the thoughts we have about ourselves, and thus are our relationship with the self. This episode can help you begin the process of freeing ourselves from the wrongful authority and enjoy true freedom!

Want to know more about what I do and how I can help you? Sign up for a free 45-minute session with me, and I’ll show you how this works!

What Youll Learn from This Episode:

  • How to reframe relationships as thoughts. 
  • A reminder of the four layers of circumstance. 
  • The links between disconnection and fear.
  • Where to find real safety, security, and love.
  • The way to emancipate your inner authority.

Listen to the Full Episode:

Featured on the Show:

  • Learn how you can enter to win one of five FREE coaching sessions here!
  • Sign up for Unleash Your Alpha, your guide to shifting to the Alpha mindset.


[00:00:09] ANNOUNCER: Welcome to The Alpha Male Coach Podcast, the only podcast that teaches men the cognitive mastery and alpha mindset that it takes to become an influential and irresistible man of confidence. Here’s your host, certified life coach and international man of mystery, Kevin Aillaud.


[00:00:32] KA: What’s up, my brothers? Welcome back to The Alpha Male Coach Podcast. I am your host, Kevin Aillaud. We are progressing into Relationship month in the academy, so I’m going to close out these next two podcast episodes with today’s episode, The Relationship with Yourself and next week’s episode, The Relationship with Other People. It’s kind of a two-part episode here. I’m going to do yourself today, other people next week. But really, what I get in to today is going to have a lot to do with what gets into next week. It’s kind of a two-parter, but I’m not going to make it a two-parter. We’re not going to really make it a series.

Now, I want to get right into the content. The only announcement that I’m going to make is that May is Relationship Month in the academy and June is Indomitable Self-Confidence Month in the academy. Then in July, there is a reformatting happening in the academy curriculums. If you want to get into these two final months of the 1.0 program and be on the list for one-on-one coaching when we make the shift, then make sure you go to the website, thealphamalecoach.com, click at the little top. It will say, “Fill out the application form.” It’s actually the Academy Spartans. I’m going to actually changing that as well, because it’s going to be purely the academy, but fill out the application form, sign up for Discovery Call. Because once we roll to the 2.0 program, the curriculum is going to see some changes. The curriculum is going to change, where all new students will go to the 1.0 curriculum before being moved to the 2.0 curriculum.

Essentially brothers, I’m not taking anything away from the academy. I standby all of the content in the academy. What’s happening is, rather than having an open enrollment as I’ve had in the past, the new academy will be more of a formal education process where the students enrolling will go through a general 1.0 fundamental training before graduating into a more specific 2.0 advanced education. Essentially what it’s like, it’s like the 1.0 program is the associates degree, it’s all the basic stuff. It’s the basic math, the basic writing, the basic history and language. It’s kind of like those prerequisites. The 2.0 is where you really get into your specialty, like what are you. It’s like where you get your bachelor’s degree, how do you go on and get that advanced education.

The information you will experience in the 2.0 program is more specific to discovering your own alpha state, which I have alluded to on previous podcast episodes, like inner authority being one example. But really, what I’m going to dive into a lot more in this episode and in next week’s episode as well. Let’s get into the content brothers.

The relationship with yourself is not a discourse on identity. It’s not a discourse on identity. It’s not a discourse on personality. I’m not going to be talking to you guys about ego. It is not a measure. Ego, or personality, or character, anything like that or any of that. This is not a measurement of affect. I’m not going to introduce the how. This is all about the what. In the what, I’m going to take a very bold action and attempts to make sense of that, which is within the senses. I’m going to make an effort to explain the unexplainable. I know that that sounds really bold because I have a barrier. I have a barrier of language. I have a barrier of intention. I have a barrier of what you make it mean as you listen to this podcast on the other end of your speakers. 

As I speak into my microphone, I have an intention on what I mean to say, as I explain this knowledge to you. But of course, there’s a barrier, there’s a telephone barrier happening there. This is why you cannot be told what the matrix is. You have to be able to see it for yourself. You cannot be told what the truth is. You have to experience it for yourself. You cannot be told what yourself, what your alpha state is. You have to experience it for yourself and that’s the purpose, that’s the process of the academy. This is always what I have done to some extent on these podcast episodes. However, it’s usually not in the case of inductively explaining the what. I’m usually deductively explaining the effect of the what. I’m taking a big leap here, big bold statement. I’m going to try to explain to you brothers the unexplainable.

Now, to begin. A relationship, as the most fundamental and succinct form is a thought. If I already say, what is a relationship? Two words. It’s a thought. In fact, it’s not even two words. It’s one word. Relationship, thought. It must be this way because this is how we relate in our human experience. We are always in relationship to the world. The way we relate to it is through the mind. That is the purpose of the mind. The purpose of the mind is to be oculus between the self and the world, and the effect. We have thoughts about our self. We have thoughts about other people. We have thoughts about all the things and stuff in the world of matter and density, and even thoughts about thoughts. We have thoughts about ideas. We have thoughts about concepts.

I want you to understand this, because a relationship by definition is nothing more than a thought. In fact, everything in the world is nothing more than a thought. There’s nothing that we experience in the world that doesn’t come from thought because that is the tunnel. That’s the oculus. What I mean by oculus, is that’s the eye. That’s the world itself as we experience it must be perceived through the oculus of mind. Everything is a thought. All problems are thoughts. There is no problem that is not a thought. There are no problems in the world, because in the world, the only thing that we have in the world is the experience of thought. We’re experiencing it through our thoughts. All relationships are thoughts. There is no relationship that is not a thought. There is no problem that is not a thought.

Now, this gives us a pause. I want to give a pause here to explain what is a thought, why is it that our human experience exists in thought. I want to explain that this is so due to the nature of the human being and the purpose of the human experience. This in totality kind of begins the understanding of the self and the relationship we have with ourself. Because when I say self, I mean, the true self, the alpha state. Now of course, the true self is the pure self, it is the perfection of what we truly are. There is also the beta condition, but the beta condition is a part of the self. We are not the conditioning itself. We’re not the conditioning, we’re not the stories. However, we are the beta condition, because the beta condition is a part of a self. It’s our mind. The mind is not who we are. It is a part of who we are, but we are not the stories that the beta condition tells us, because that’s the conditioning.

We have the questions: what is the self, and what is the relationship or what are the thoughts that I have with myself? These are what I will attempt to teach on this podcast episode. First, let me back up and give you guys a foundational layer because I want to remind you of the four layers of circumstance to understand where the self originates and where the self returns. Circumstance one or C1 as I talk to my students about it. This is kind of like our jargon in the academy. C1, these are stories that all humans agreed to. They aren’t actually facts; however, I define them as facts for the purposes of deconditioning myself and the students that I work with. Because when we assemble a model of alignment, the CTFAR, the circumstance, thoughts, feelings, actions and results. We always use C1 in the C line. We have to use C1 to the C line, because C1 is the language.

C1 is neutral, it is out of our control and it’s what everybody would agree to. Once we have the C1, we can construct a model of alignment so that we can see how our mind creates stories, the thoughts, the feelings, actions and results. But C1 is not really the fact, it’s just that we all agreed to as humans. We can use it in the model of alignment as a fact, but that’s just so that we can construct the model of alignment. For example, one minute exists in C1. A minute is a story, a minute is not fact. A minute is a story; however, all humans measure it the same, so it becomes a story that we all agreed to. We all agreed that a minute is 60 seconds, that a minute is one-sixtieth of an hour. It’s a fabrication, it’s a construct that humans used to measure time and we’ve accepted this story. We’ve created a story that we all agreed to.

Money is the same. Money has no real value. What gives money value is the story that we all agreed to. Money itself is paper, it’s metal, it’s coin, it’s numbers in a computer. It’s the story we all agreed to about money that give it its value. This is C1 and it is dependent on language because it is dependent on the story that we must all agree to, so that then we can subjectify that story in out T line to make it personal to us.

C2 or circumstance two is the direct experience. It is the same world of form without the language. C1 and C2 are very closely related, there’s just no language in C2. Instead of using language to have a minute, or to have a dollar, or to have a pen, or to have a phone or to have a hamburger, which are all examples of C1. I simply experience these experiences without language, without the story. So I could still have a pen, or a hamburger or a phone, I’m just not labeling it. 

As we move deeper into circumstances, we go down the layers from C1 to C4. We move closer to the truth and we move closer to oneness. The move from C1 to C2 is like being in a country that speaks a different language or even, it’s better explained, it’s like as if language never existed. Since it’s really just a way of explaining the labels we’ve placed on things without the sounds representing thoughts. A pen is a pen all around the world. When we experience it directly, the experience of the pen exists even if language didn’t, even if we weren’t just like uttering sounds, like making sounds with our voices, the pen would still exist. The pen would still be there. That’s C2. We still have an experience of the pen without the label of it as a pen.

Circumstance three or C3, now, this is where we get a little wild, because now we’re going into the quantum world. We’re talking about molecular, cellular, atomic levels of matter. It is the quantum realm of infinitesimal bits of mass information; protons, neutrons, cells, quarks, leptons. The pen is no longer a pen by name or function. It is now a group of atoms, and molecules and smaller bits of data that make up those atoms. C3 brings us closer to the truth and oneness; however, there is still space, there’s still distance between atoms and within atoms. There is still an invisible force that holds together the charges of positivity and negativity. There’s still the delusion duality, because there’s positive and negative, there’s the charges. There’s still an illusion of duality in the positive and negative and there’s still an illusion of separation between this and that.

C4, now, this is the first and the last code. What I mean by that is this is the alpha and the omega. This is the oneness that all comes from and all returns to. It is the heart of nature and it is our true home, brothers. It’s our home. In C4, there is no nothing, all is something, all is one. There is no zero. There can be no nothing. Nothing does not exist. All is something, all is one thing. The illusion of duality falls away. It is an infinite field of light, and love, and truth and beauty and this is the source. This is our home. This is where we live. This is where we come from. This is the truth where we come from, where we live now and where we will return to.

Now, where we live now can be confusing because that’s the human experience, but we’re still living within this field. It’s always who we are and always who we will be. The human experience allows us to experience self-outside of oneness. That’s the beauty of being a human being, is that we move from the source of oneness into a human experience, and experience ourselves outside of oneness in the illusion of duality. Then when our bodies move from form back into that oneness, the illusion of duality slips away, because we’re reunified from our threeness into our oneness. This illusion is the blessing, my friends. It is the gift. It is the playground. It is the experience. It is the life.

You could almost say like the human experience is a strange cosmic joke, because it’s like we’re so bored. Think about this my friends, like we’re so bored with being pure light. We’re so bored with being pure love. We’re so bored with being one. We’re one with all and everything. We’re so bored with this that we decided we’re going to be born into the human experience and experience the suffering of duality, the suffering created from the illusion of separation, the suffering created from the illusion of opposites. The Buddha said, life is suffering and I’m telling you guys right now, he wasn’t a pessimist. He wasn’t saying like life sucks. He wasn’t saying that at all. What he was saying was, that in order to be a human, we must experience suffering because it is a part of the experience of opposites. It’s not that suffering actually exists.

In C4, it doesn’t exist because C4 is a oneness and the oneness of love, of goodness. However, suffering exists in the illusion of C1 because of the way the human experience is designed as a playground. It’s designed as an experience to be in separation. It is designed to be an experience of opposites. We suffer because we are meant to experience suffering, and then return to love, where there is no suffering when we pass from duality back to oneness. We are meant to experience suffering, not resist it. Let me say it again, we are meant to experience suffering not resist or avoid it. This is why we grow through discomfort, why we learn from our failures, why we take risks and why we face our fears. Suffering is not the enemy. The enemy of the human experience is the avoidance and the resistance of suffering.

Our true home is in oneness. We are all whole, we are complete, we are in truth at one with all the universe at all the time for a brief period in our experience. Maybe 70 years, we get to be human, but that is the self. The self is pure love, pure light, pure truth. However, as a human, we are given this journey of duality. This is where I will attempt to explain the self and the relationship we have with ourself. Because you see, you are one with all; however, you can’t experience being a human this way. Our human experience is still being in oneness, but we can’t experience humanity by being one with all humanity. We have to experience humanity in separation. 

The human experience is a differentiated experience. What happened is that yourself is differentiated into three parts. It’s differentiated into the body or the vehicle, the mind or the oculus, the beta condition and the spirit, which is the living force alpha state. When the mind differentiates it from the spirit to create the form of the body, there became a sense of disconnection, obviously. You could say that, like we went from one to three and going from one to three, you might think, “Well, yeah. We’re disconnected.” But hear me when I tell you this, brothers. The reason you feel disconnected has nothing to do with other people. The reason you feel disconnected is because the human experience is an experience of being disconnected from yourself. Not that you aren’t connected with yourself, but rather that yourself is pulled into three parts and held together by a force. 

Just like atoms are held together by a force, but you’re pulled in these three parts and feels like being outside of oneness. It would be like if you ordered a margarita and the bartender brought you three glasses; a glass of tequila, a glass a triple sec and a glass of lemon mix. You would look at him funny and be like, “What is this? I ordered a margarita. I ordered one thing. I ordered the margarita.” Instead of bringing you one thing, he brought you three things. It would be weird. You’ll be like, “What’s up with this? This is disconnected.” But it is the one thing, they’re just in three different glasses. You can mix them together if you want, but they’re all going to end up the same. They’re all going to end up in the same place. It’s the same thing, just differentiated.

Now, this is what happens to yourself when you are in the human experience. You are one. You are love. You are here to be yourself, which is love, which is truth, which is one with all people and all things because you already are this. However, and this is a big however. In fact, this is the however that when you don’t understand yourself, when you don’t understand the human experience is, this was what leads humans to suffering, is what will lead you to yourself when you do understand. You are one with all; however, you don’t feel one with all. You feel disconnected from yourself and disconnected from others because of the differentiation. This feeling creates fear. This fear is what drives the suffering of human beings.

Here’s what happens. The mind is ripped apart from the spirit and stuffed into the body. And in your body is your mind and your spirit, your beta and your alpha, your oculus for the experiencing of the world and your life force for living in the world. Now, the mind is terrified. Think about it. It’s like having a child ripped from its mother’s arms. It’s like the beta condition is terrified. All of a sudden, it was at one. It was at one in peace, and love, and unity and all of a sudden, it’s pulled from the alpha state to sit in this little area in our head. It’s terrified. It gets scared.

The alpha state is chill. The alpha state is really chill. The alpha state doesn’t fear. The alpha state is the truth, it is love, it remembers. I don’t want to use the word remembers necessarily. I think that’s improper vocabulary, but again, brothers, recognize I’m trying to explain what’s unexplainable. I’ll use the word remembers, but it’s really a poor word. But just think about the alpha state as remembering what it feels like to be one with all. The alpha state is still that oneness, it’s still the all, it’s still the love. The mind is the oculus for experiencing the human form. It’s the oculus for the love, the alpha state to interact with the space, the separation, the other humans. But the mind is terrified because it used to be one with the alpha, and with the body and all things.

Now, it is up here in our head and doesn’t know what to do. It’s like, “What do I do? What do I do? I’m lost. I’m confused. I’m separate. I no longer have my alpha, like I’m gone.” It’s a computer, it’s a processor of the experience. But for the mind, the experience of separation and it’s really scared. There’s so much fear for the mind. It wants to be back with oneness, and love, but it feels disconnected from the alpha and from the source. It is afraid and it looks around for oneness. It looks in the only place that it can look, which is outside of the self. It looks into the world. That’s what the mind does. It looks into the world. It wants to find what it thinks it lacks because it’s been differentiated from the alpha. So it goes into the world looking for safety, security, and love. Do you understand?

You have safety, security and love. You are safety, security and love, but the mind is terrified, so it goes out and seeks external authorities. Your mind is the scared you, it’s like the child who has lost his parents in the supermarket, and is crying, and screaming and absolutely terrified. The mind has been like this since birth. All through childhood, we learn to cope with our fears by being conditioned. We make up stories about the world, about other people and about ourselves. We just accept stories that come to us from external authorities, because we’re terrified and we have to make meaning of something. We hang onto beliefs that make us feel safe, that makes us feel secure and make us feel loved. 

Now, if you’re still with me, I want to quickly recap the answer to the first question. What is the self? What is the self? The self is a total oneness existing as an energy of pure love that has been differentiated into three functions in order to enjoy the illusion of duality, we call the human experience. Within one function, the body or the vehicle function exists both in mind and spirit that are one yet separated from each other so that we can experience life in separation. Brothers, it is a beautiful illusion. It is so beautiful. It’s like a 70-year dream that we’re having. When we wake up, we’re back in the bosom of oneness in light and love. 

In this human experience when it is not understood, it gives us the feeling of disconnection. Not because we are disconnected from ourselves or other people, but because our mind and spirit, or beta and alpha are differentiated from each other so that we can experience this beautiful dream. But in that differentiation, we feel the disconnect. This is why I will tell you over, and over, and over again that you are perfect, we are perfect. The feeling of imperfection or being flawed comes from the illusion of duality, which is actually the gift so that we can have a human experience and know what it feels like to be flawed because we spent an eternity in the perfect oneness of love and source.

Now, the second question is, what is the relationship we have with ourself? Remember, a relationship is a thought. It is how we relate to the illusion of separation that we experience in human form, in human differentiation. The relationship we have with ourself, are the thoughts we think about ourself. Here’s where things can get really, really tricky. Because the thought is not the self. The thought is not the self. The thought is the relationship. The thought is the story. The thought is the conditioning and the conditioning is not the self. The beta condition or the mind can be conditioned in order to cope with the fear of being in an illusion of separation. But the conditioning itself is the story. That’s the circumstance.

When you begin to know who you are, this is where you want to separate yourself from the stories. You want to allow the beta condition to take its rightful place as a passenger rather than engaging with the beta condition by believing that the stories that it’s telling you are true. When you begin to know who you are as a differentiated being of oneness and love, then the beta condition begins to take that position, and that position as an oculus, instead of a fearful authority trying to self-soothe the panic and the fear.

Once the mind calms into its role as a passenger and experiencer of living a human life, your alpha state naturally emerges and emancipates your inner authority, your inner purpose and your inner love. People go out in the world, they’re looking for their purpose. “Where’s my purpose? What are my purposes? What am I meant to do?” It’s within you. It’s already there. You know what it is, but it’s your beta condition, it’s the conditioning of your mind thinking that it needs to cope through fear rather than allowing itself to chill and enjoy the ride. So your alpha state can naturally bring out that authority, that purpose and that love. The relationship you have with yourself or the thoughts you have about yourself begins with self-knowledge and understanding who you are in truth, rather than from fear. 

Brothers, my own journey continues to grow deeper and deeper in faith, in truth, in love and in knowledge. I’m not talking about a religious faith, because that’s an external authority. Religions or external authorities that are telling you what to believe and how to believe it. I am talking about a faith in what I experience in self-knowledge and inner discovery. This is me. This is me living my life, my journey, my freedom. I’m talking about a faith that has self-knowledge, not conditioning. The more I go into this knowledge, the more I attract to me who and what is right for me. I’m not saying struggles go away. I’m still living a human life of duality, of equal parts, hope and pain, expectation and disappointment, joy and bitterness. This is the law of opposites. This is the 50-50 of emotion. This is the illusion of duality. It is the gift of being a human.

This is why I no longer suffer, because instead of avoiding or resisting the duality, I am grateful for it. Disappointment and bitterness does not cause suffering. Resisting disappointment and bitterness cause suffering, believing that you shouldn’t feel these things, that you shouldn’t experience these things. I am grateful for these things, because I know that one day, I will return to oneness, I will return to pure love and I won’t be able to experience these opposites any longer. My suffering has been transformed to gratitude and I have transcended fear with self-knowledge. My thoughts are not me, they are stories my mind has created to cope with fear of separation. It was the lost child in the supermarket, panicked at the thought of losing something that can never be lost. That’s love my friends.

We are not here to be loved. We are here to be love. The relationship with the self are the thoughts, the stories, the mind, that the mind tells you about you. When it is in fear due to a lack of self-knowledge, it will create stories to cope with that fear, stories about you and others in the world. When it is wise, it will sit back and enjoy the ride of life, this beautiful journey, this very short dream that we have been given from love because we are love and we will return to love. 

This is a part of why I have reformatted the academy. The 1.0 program is the deconditioning phase, the time for new students to work on letting go of what is not them, of the stories they’ve created to cope with the fear of being in two places, of being in the mind and the spirit. You are not disconnected. You are differentiated. You are still one. You are still a margarita even if you are in three different glasses. Don’t let the triple sec mind freak out because it’s not mixed with the tequila and the lemon mix, it’s okay. You’re still complete and still there. The tequila is not going anywhere. It’s right next to you. Just enjoying being triple sec for a while. Enjoying being separated.

Allow yourself to feel what it’s like to be the tequila, the triple sec and the lemon mix because brother, I’m telling you that very soon, you’re going to be going back to a margarita again. You’re going to go back to the oneness of source. Until then, live your human life in the illusion of separation and be grateful for the opposites. Enjoy the experience. It’s a beautiful, beautiful gift. Let your mind calm itself into a place of passenger peace and let go of the stories that are not you and not serving you. You are alpha, you are love, you are capable, strong, worthy and perfect, brother. I will tell you this every day until my last day.

Any thought you have to the contrary is not you. It is a story your mind created to cope with fear. Your relationship with yourself begins with that awareness. Become aware of the stories, don’t engage with the stories, just listen to them and be aware of what they’re telling you. They are not you, none of them are you. They’re all stories. Your true self is beyond languages, it’s beyond any type of story, any type of sentence. Like this person is amazing, even the story of I love this person. It’s still a story. It’s a given. You don’t have to tell yourself that you love this person. It’s a given, it’s self-evident. The story is not the thing, it is the story. The thing is beyond the story, the thing is love itself. This is the truth and this is you. 

What is the self? The self is pure love. What is the relationship with yourself? It’s the stories that you have about yourself. Are you writing a story of fear and lies or are you writing a story of love and truth? When you know who you are, it will always be the latter. It will always be stories of love and truth. The fear is not you. It is the fear of isolation, disconnection and lack. It is the illusion. Next week, we’ll get into the relationship with others. 

Until then my brothers, elevate your alpha.


[00:28:21] ANNOUNCER: Thank you for listening to this episode of the Alpha Male Coach Podcast. If you enjoyed what you’ve heard and want even more, sign up for Unleash your Alpha, your guide to shifting to the alpha mindset, at the alphamalecoach.com/unleash.



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