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//Ep #69: The 5 Love Languages

Ep #69: The 5 Love Languages

February is the month for talking about emotional intelligence at the Spartan Academy and this episode is one that’s been a long-time coming: Love languages. This thought-model is based on an international best-selling book, yet it is clear as day that there are flaws with the thinking it’s based on it. While this is not a book review, we look at the ways that this type of thinking leaves you stuck in the beta condition.

As the love language theory places our ability to feel the love in the hands of someone else, it immediately takes out of the alpha state. It not only abdicates emotional power, but it also does not fundamentally acknowledge that love comes from what we think, not someone else’s actions. In the alpha state, where you are mastering your emotional intelligence, you are fully aware of this.

Just because the love language theory is a fallacy does not mean that it is not useful in some way. We explore what you, as an alpha male, can take away from it. After this episode, you will walk away will a renewed sense of emotional responsibility, refreshed insights into you and your partner’s behavior, and the understanding that your thoughts are the supreme guidance of any emotions you may feel. 

Want to know more about what I do and how I can help you? Sign up for a free 45-minute session with me, and I’ll show you how this works!

What You’ll Learn from This Episode:

  • What the book, The Five Love Languages, is about.
  • Actions are driven by emotions, which are in turn influenced by thoughts.
  • Why the premise of love languages does not align with the universal truth.
  • Telling your partner what your love language is won’t work because there’s no inception.
  • Knowing what your love language is, requires self-awareness.
  • You can set requirements for people but you can’t expect them to always follow them.
  • Thoughts are always choices, meaning emotions are choices too.
  • If you feel like your partner is doing something out of obligation, you won’t feel love.
  • Two useful lessons from exploring the love languages.
  • In every relationship, there are three main thoughts that always happen.

Listen to the Full Episode:

Featured on the Show:

  • Learn how you can enter to win one of five FREE coaching sessions here!
  • Sign up for Unleash Your Alpha, your guide to shifting to the Alpha mindset.

Full Episode Transcript:

 

[INTRODUCTION]

[0:00:09.6] ANNOUNCER: Welcome to The Alpha Male Coach podcast. The only podcast that teaches men the cognitive mastery and alpha mindset that it takes to become an influential and irresistible man of confidence. Here is your host, certified life coach and international man of mystery, Kevin Aillaud.

[EPISODE]

[0:00:32.5] KA: What’s up my brothers, welcome back to the Alpha Male Coach podcast. I am your host Kevin Aillaud. In this episode, I have been putting off for a long time. I’ve been thinking about doing it for a long time, it’s been in the rotation, I’ve been kind of cycling it back and cycling it back and the truth is, I could cycle it back some more. There is so many things that I want to talk to you guys about. I just keep throwing them in there.

But I feel like this is the time, this is the time to talk about this topic, the five love languages because it’s February and in February in the Spartans, in the academy, what we’re doing is we’re talking about emotions, obviously love is an emotion, we want to talk about that. I could have put it off to relationships also because this is such a thing with relationships.

Now is the time. It’s coming out. It’s happening, which means that it’s perfect like this is the time it was supposed to happen because this is the time that is happening. The other time that it is as you know, is the time to leave me a five-star rating and review, it’s time to go to iTunes and do that.

Guys, if you’ve done it already, I appreciate it. And again, if you’re not listening on iTunes, it’s okay, I got your email, I got all your emails, I got all your notes, I love that you guys are listening on a platform other than iTunes, that you’re out there, that you’re in the audience.

And thanks for sending me an email because to me, an email is just as good as a rating, right?

It’s just as good as a rating and review. The iTunes and ratings and reviews are helpful because they help promote me higher, promote the podcast higher so that more and more people can be attracted to it, can find it and get the same amazing results that you guys have from it.

But I love that you guys send me the emails because the emails are like the same, right? The emails are these reviews, you guys are leaving me these reviews and they’re so awesome. I love getting them so I appreciate that. You guys that are listening on a medium other than iTunes and sending me these emails.

[0:02:32.3] KA: Let’s talk about the love languages. Right? Let’s talk about this because we’re in February in the Spartans. We’re talking about emotions, we’re talking about emotional intelligence, the power of emotions, how to create emotions so that you can drive massive action. And love languages are an interesting topic, they’re an interesting episode, they’re just a very interesting concept because they come from a book written in 1992.

Let me give you guys a little back story here because the way people talk about these love languages, you would think that they were as old as the seasons, right? You would think they were as old as the Zodiac, that they come from like millennia ago but they’re not, right? They come from a book written less than 30 years ago and this book is The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate, right?

It was written in 1992 by a guy named Gary Chapman. It expresses five ways or it outlines five ways to express and experience love between romantic partners that Chapman calls love languages, okay? That’s what the book is, that’s kind of the premise of the book.

Now, here’s the thing. Now, I want you guys to know that in reading the book, it’s pretty clear what Chapman’s trying to say. And this is to a book report but I do want to give you a little background into this book and what the intentions of this book or what people are taking from these books so that you understand sort of a little more about what these love languages are, at least what people are thinking about these love languages are.

Because when you look at this book, it’s pretty clear that the love languages you’re meant to think about isn’t your own, right? You’re meant to be paying attention to your partner’s love language, right? You’re meant to be paying attention their language that they are using or expressing of love and what they interpret as action that is love or loving action.

[0:04:35.1] KA: The first chapter is just basically hammering home that there’s the most fulfilling relationship is to tailor your expressions of love to modify your behavior to what your partner needs to see or what your partner wants in order for them to feel love. I probably don’t have to go too much father in the book for you guys to already say like, “Woah, stop right there, alpha male coach. That doesn’t sound like alpha state, that sounds like beta condition.”

And you’re absolutely right but I am going to say that he goes on to you know, five chapters are devoted to what languages are, finding them in your partner, talking about identifying your own love languages and strategies for adapting and changing your behavior.

And unfortunately, I think that what’s missing is any type of attentiveness or behavioral self-regulation. Anything for yourself, it’s really just mostly about the other person. Now, what does that mean? You guys know me, you know me so what am I thinking? I’m thinking, “Wait a second, that’s all beta condition,” right?

That’s all the gamma trap. That’s all the illusion that we’re put in when we are not seeing the world through the universal truth, that we’re not aligning ourselves with the universal truth. Again, it’s not a book report. I’m not coming down on Chapman. I’m not coming down on the love languages because I think that the love languages can be very powerful.

[0:05:56.9] KA: I think that there is something that we can take from this. Let’s really quickly talk about these. They are an expression, right? What are the five love languages? They are receiving gifts, right? They are quality time, words of affirmation. Acts of service and physical touch, those are the five expressions. And what do you notice about all these? Look at all these.

If we’re putting these love languages, we’re putting this somewhere in the model, in what line do they go in? Receiving gifts, quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service and physical touch. Where do these go? Now, you guys are very intelligent guys, you are very intelligent audience, I know that. How do I know that? I kind of make that so by the language and the vocabulary that I use because if you know what I’m talking about, then you have to be intelligent, right?

Otherwise you probably stop listening because you have no idea what’s being said. You guys are intelligent. I know you guys are intelligent out there. Where do these go? They go in a couple of different places. First of all, did they go in thoughts? No, they go in emotions, no. Do they go in actions? Yeah. Yeah, these are actions.

But where else do they go and this is what’s so powerful and so clear about the universal truth and the model. If they’re in action then what else are they? They’re also circumstance, right? Because your actions are other people’s circumstances. If you are acting, if you’re the one that’s giving the gifts, if you’re the one that’s saying words of affirmation, if you’re the one that’s performing acts of service, your actions are –

[0:07:32.6] KA: The other person’s circumstance. There is no love language, right? There is no love, the only language, I guess what I’m saying, the only language of love is the thought that the person has. That’s the only language. Because all actions are neutral, there is no subjective defining or descriptive characteristic of action. It’s all subjective based on the way you choose to think about it.

From that place, we know that these love languages are going to be neutral, these love languages are going to be actions, they’re going to be circumstances. Let’s review the universal truth and the model. If these are circumstances, if their actions, if their circumstances then where are they coming from?

In other words, if their circumstances that we know that they’re coming from someone else, right? But if they’re our actions, where are they coming from and if there’s somebody else’s actions then where are they coming from? They’re coming from our emotions if they’re our actions they’re coming from the other person’s emotions, if they’re their actions.

It is the emotion that drives the action, right? The emotion creates the action. Always. Where do emotions come from? Emotions comes from thoughts. What is love? Love is an emotion. It comes from a thought. It does not come from a circumstance.

So, these love languages, if we’re to believe that a love language is some expression that we can do that we can say, do, we can give a gift, we can spend quality time, we can use words of affirmation, we can perform acts of service, we could provide physical touch, whatever, we can do something and that doing something is going to create emotion in somebody else. It’s going to create for them a language that creates love for them in their body. That premise by definition is erroneous.

By definition of the universal truth, it is untrue. It violates universal truth. It is not true.

[0:09:29.7] KA: Because love, the way we feel comes from the way we think. It comes from our thoughts it does not come from another person’s actions because even if another person’s actions, check this out. I just want to roll this out, we could roll this out into a bunch of different examples. I want you guys to just roll this out with me because even if your love language is words of affirmation.

Let’s say your love language is words of affirmation. Let’s say your love language is words of affirmation and your partner’s love language is not words of affirmation. Your partner’s love language is something else, doesn’t matter, pick one, I don’t care, let’s say it’s quality time, okay? It’s quality time. Your partner is not going to be giving you words of affirmation when she’s feeling love, when she’s feeling love, she’s going to be giving you quality time, right?

She’s going to be in there with that quality time thing. You’re thinking, “She’s spending all these time with me but she never tells me she loves me, right? She never tells me she appreciates me. She never tells me how amazing I am or how much she loves being around me or spending time with me or any of that,” right?

Because it’s now words of affirmation. She’s just doing the quality time thing. You’re thinking like, “okay, she’s not doing this.” Now, here’s the thing, the love language people would say okay, well, all you have to do is tell your girlfriend, tell this woman, tell your girlfriend, tell your wife that your love language is words of affirmation.

[0:10:49.7] KA: If you tell her, then she might start giving you words of affirmation. But here’s the thing: This is why this doesn’t work my friends, this is why this doesn’t work, brothers. It doesn’t work because there’s no inception there, right? It doesn’t work because you didn’t come up with it yourself. It doesn’t work because it didn’t happen naturally. It doesn’t work because of the thoughts that you’re creating or the thoughts that you have about that was actions are still going to be the thoughts that you are choosing to have.

They’re not going to come from her change in behavior. There will be times that she gives you words of affirmation. Like there might be a change in her behavior, she might be conscious and be saying, “Okay, look. This is my man’s, my husband, my boyfriend, he wants to hear words of affirmation, I’m going to be conscious about that and make a serious behavioral change, an attempt to make a behavioral change in order to start to create some of that for him.”

Here’s’ the thing guys, this is the thing and you got to watch this very closely. Watch it as it moves. There will be times that she does it and your brain tells you that you are loved because you are receiving words of affirmation, right? Your brain is creating the love for you by telling you that you’re loved, right? Still coming from you.

There will also be times that she uses words of affirmation, that your brain tells you, “Well, she doesn’t really mean that or she wouldn’t be doing that if you hadn’t told her to do that.” And therefore, you’re not going to be feeling loved, you’re going to be feeling something else, that emotion of more just like, she’s just doing that just because.

[0:12:17.3] KA: Sort of like, it’s not – she doesn’t really think that or maybe she does but even though she does, she’s not saying that because she feels that she’s saying it to do for me, right? So, your brain is kind of coming in there with that. And then it’s not going to be creating love because it’s not the words, right? You think it’s the words of affirmation that create love but it’s not the words of affirmation that create love. It’s the way you think about the words of affirmation that create love.

If you’re thinking that way about the words, you’re not going to be creating love, right? In your body. There may also be times where she’s just tired, she had a long day at work, she’s tired, she’s got other things on her mind, she’s got other things going on, maybe she’s dealing with her own mental mind mismanagement and doesn’t have the consciousness to provide for you words of affirmation and she doesn’t give them.

And then what does your brain tell you? All of a sudden, she doesn’t love you. Now, I am unloved, right? Because now I’m not getting this words of affirmation, now I am unloved. It’s not that she doesn’t love you because she probably still does. In fact, it’s guarantee that she still loves you, that she’s just in her own headspace on something else.

But now that we’re in that, now that we’re kind of, we have that spoken love language agreement, right? Which is so erroneous, right? To come out and say this is my love language, do this for me. Now, you can make request, brothers, and we’ve talked about request before. We’ve talked about manuals and request in a previous podcast. You can make requests on people but whether people follow through with those requests or not, shouldn’t have anything to do with the way you feel.

[0:13:42.3] KA: Because the way you feel is based on how you think, not based on what people do. It has nothing to do with you. It has to do with them and what they’re actions, with their thinking and feeling. That’s where their actions come from. That’s the thing and that’s why I want you to follow that with me so closely because it doesn’t really matter.

It doesn’t really matter what is being spoken as soon as you think that this  other person is now responsible for creating love for you based on how they behave that this love language is in some way a manual for how somebody else should behave so you can feel loved, you are jumping into problems. You are creating problems for yourself, you have chosen to be in a beta condition, right?

You are there living that by choice. By saying, “Look, this is my love language, do this.” And again guys, you can always make request to people, you can tell people, if you are so self-aware as to know what your love language is, and again, this takes self-awareness guys because it’s not about the way you want people to treat you, right?

That’s not what the love language is, the love language is not about the way you want people to treat you. The love language is what goes in you’re A line when your F line is love. Your love language is how you express love when you are feeling love. So, you have to be self-aware to know what your love language is. You have to know what love feels like in your body, what you are thinking, what the thoughts are that create love, what it feels like in your body and then how you behave when you are feeling it and that way, you know what your love language is.

But that is only going to be how you express love because then it goes into you’re A line because then when I feel love I give gifts, right? I share quality time. I say words of affirmation. I provide acts of service. I physically touch. This goes in you’re A line but that is what the love language is. It is not, “Oh you need to do this for me, for me to feel love.” Because the only thing that only needs to happen for you to feel love is for you to think the thoughts that create love.

That’s what you need to do to feel love my friend is to think the thoughts that create love. Love is an emotion. It is not something that comes from somebody’s action. And I know that there is this repetition. I have said that before but I have said it on many, many podcasts and I will continue to say that. Many of these podcasts I am saying the same thing. I am just saying it in different way under a different context.

And in this context in the love language what I want you guys to understand is that there is no love language. There is no behavior that anybody else can ever do that is going to make you feel love. What is going to make you feel love are the thoughts that you are thinking. Are they loving thoughts? They got to be loving thoughts for you to feel love because that is where thoughts come from because that’s where emotions come from. Emotions come from our thoughts. Now, okay guys so we know that the fallacy of the five love languages is that love comes from other people like this is a fallacy right?

[0:16:34.7] That it is not what other people do, is it not how other people express their love that creates love inside of you like that’s the fallacy. What creates love inside of you are the thoughts you have about whatever it is that you’re observing or witnessing or hearing or whatever is happening like that is the universal truth, okay guys? The circumstance that we received through our five senses is completely neutral. It is neutral data until it reaches the brain and we have a subjective thought about it.

So it doesn’t matter even if somebody says I love you that is not what’s creating love inside of you. That might be because they’re feeling love for you, right? Their love language might be words of affirmation or whatever it was, words of affirmation right? So their love language might be words of affirmation, they might say I love you because they are feeling love but that is not what is creating love inside of you because people may say I love you and you may not feel love from them.

You might think they’re lying right? You might be really, really mad at this person but let’s say this person just cheated on you. This person just cheated on you, you’re super mad at them like you’re angry. You got all of these angry feelings as the way you are thinking about them because the way you are thinking about yourself maybe or the way you think about them or the way you are thinking about the relationship that you’re in with them.

But just coming from your thoughts you are having all of these negative emotions. They say that I love you that is not going to create love. Those are words of affirmation. You know they might even bring you gifts. Let’s say your love language is receiving gifts, right? They might even bring you a gift, do you think you are going to feel love? I mean I don’t know. If you stop thinking about the things that are creating you’re uncomfortable emotions and start thinking about this then maybe.

[0:18:20.0] But if you’re thinking about that other thing still then it is not just this action that is going to be all of a sudden create this new emotion. What creates emotion is always going to be your thoughts, guys, always. And you always get to determine what you want to think. So, thoughts are always a choice, which is why emotions are always a choice, right? So, you are in complete control of your mind, you are the cognitive master of your mind and you are the emotion. You are the owner of your emotions. You are the emotional owner as well.

That is what I teach. That’s the skill, that’s the alpha state. So, the love language fallacy is that you’re not in control. The love language fallacy is that the other person is in control. The love language fallacy says that if the other person doesn’t do these things then you don’t feel loved by them because they are in control of how you feel. Like they might love you but if they don’t do this particular thing then you don’t feel love by them and you don’t believe them.

It’s silly isn’t it? I mean would you put it that way, when you start talking about it in that way it sounds silly. It’s like, “Well yeah that doesn’t make any sense at all.” But people believe it right? And they go out there believing and then they go out there and try to convince their partner to do these things so that they could feel a certain way. So that they could live in the beta condition so they could live in this condition of abdication of emotional power.

Just do these things and I will feel good, just do these things and I will know you love me, right? Because even again, I use – I went back before and said it already but even if they do now your brain is in a state of “Well, they’re only doing it because I told them to right? They are only doing it now because I asked them to, they wouldn’t be doing this on their own. They are just doing this now because they feel obligated to.” And that’s not going to create love in your body because that is not a loving thought that you have for the way you feel about yourself or the way you think they feel about you, right?

[0:20:09.8] So the love language fallacy is prevalent. It’s very infectious because it permeates the beta condition. It lives and loves the beta condition. Because the beta condition loves to abdicate emotional ownership. But there are some things that you can get from the love languages and I think I mentioned it earlier on in the episode and that’s this. You guys got to remember that I don’t script these podcasts. I don’t – I just talk and so I may have said this already.

But this is what you can get from the love language and it is this brothers, you can find what your actions are right? Like you can always observe other people’s actions. You can always look at the way other people act and you can always look at you can say, “Well their love language is this and they say they love me” but here’s the thing it is always going to come down to your mind. So you get two things, you get two things from the love language.

Number one, you get to know what goes into you’re A-line when you feel love. You get to observe yourself. You can really stat to look at your own behavior and start to take ownership of your behavior. Like, “When I feel love, I do this.” Do you tell your partner that you love her? I mean do you give words of affirmation? Like whatever, maybe it’s not love, maybe it is something else but do you give your partner words of affirmation? Is it physical touch?

Do you provide acts of service? Are you doing her favors? Are you doing the laundry? Are you doing chores? When she asks you to do something maybe she doesn’t ask you to do something but you just do it right? Because for you it is like an act of service like you know that she wants this done and you just do it because you are feeling love because you are thinking loving thoughts about it. You are feeling love. Like I love this woman and she is amazing and she does all this stuff.

[0:21:52.5] “She takes care of me, I am just going to do this for her”, right? Maybe it is an act of service or giving gifts. You just come home with flowers but pay attention. Pay attention to your behavior and you can find out what goes in your A-line so you know how you behave when you are feeling love. It gives you more self-knowledge. That is number one.

Number two, it does have to do with the other person but it doesn’t have to do with the other person. It has to do with the observation of the other person and it is this guys. It’s that because you know what love languages are, you can be more, you can train your brain to look for languages of love, expressions of love. If you know what the five love languages are and you know your wife or you know your girlfriend loves you then you can start to look for these things. You can start to look for when she gives you gifts. You can start to look for when she spends quality time with you.

You can start to look for words of affirmation and you can start to look for these things so that you are now creating for yourself choosing the thoughts that you have for yourself, they are going to make your relationship with your partner stronger. Because you are now thinking thoughts that she loves me, that she respects me, that she honors me, that she does these things because of how she feels about me and she loves me. If you are thinking that then you are thinking about how she is in the relationship.

And always remember guys, I know this is emotion month. This is emotion month in the Spartan Academy and relationship month is coming up. It’s coming up in April, it’s down the line a little bit. We have March, we are going to do beliefs. We are going to do beliefs next month. But remember in relationships there is always three thoughts. In every one relationship there is always three thoughts.

[0:23:35.9] There is the thoughts you have about yourself from the relationship, the thoughts you have about the other person and the relationship and the thoughts about the relationship itself. So when you are thinking about your partner in the relationship, when you are looking for words of affirmation, you are listening to words of affirmation, you are looking for acts of service, you are looking for that quality time, when you are looking for this things, then you are creating on purpose thoughts that she loves you.

That the relationship is strong. This is a loving relationship, she loves me, right? I am loved and you have all of these thoughts about the trifecta. There is that trifecta, the triad of thoughts in a relationship and so you are feeling that based on the thoughts you are having and then you are acting in a loving way, right? Because you are feeling straight, your actions, you are acting in a loving way because you’re choosing to think thoughts that she’s acting in a loving way.

You are determining the results of your relationship based on what you think. That is the alpha way. That is the universal truth my friend. That’s how the five leveling, which just can help you. They have nothing to do with we are trying to control the other person, trying to get the other person to behave a certain way so you can feel love.

They have nothing to do with watching the other person’s behavior and then trying to manipulate them by adapting your behavior to trying to get them to feel love. It has nothing to do with that. Both of those are erroneous, both of those are beta condition, right?

The alpha state is, “I am in control of my thoughts. I feel love when I choose to feel love based on the way I think. And I can look for ways for you loving me because I get to decide what your actions mean to me by the way I think about your actions.” And so, if I see you spending quality time, giving gifts, using words of affirmation, I get to think that I am loved and that creates for me amazing emotions.

[0:25:20.2] Amazing powerful emotions that I then manifest through loving acts. That is what the love languages do for you. But that is where you have to be in control like you are in control of your cognition and your emotion, not the other person. It is not telling the other person how to behave because they’re in control. It is not giving them control and saying, “Do these things” the love languages are for you to understand more about you and understand how you can determine and create amazing relationships for you.

That is the truth, that is the universal truth and that’s what I have for you today my friends. My brothers, if this is something you want to learn more about, if you want to learn more about emotional intelligence, how to create the emotions that will serve that will drive your actions and serve your future that really serve the results, serve your life that is what we are doing this month in the Spartans. And every month, we do something new but you can always go back and look at previous months.

You could come in now and get with us doing the emotional work in February but you can look back at the cognitive work in January and then you can be with us as we do belief work in March, relationship work in April. You can go back and do the impossible goal in December, all the curriculum is online. The time for you master your mind, to do the mind work, to elevate your alpha state is now my friend. Go to thealphamalecoach.com and at the very top where it says, “Work with Kevin,” click.

Where you will see a drop-down menu it says “Elevated Alpha Society Spartans.” If you have any questions or if you are just struggling with something and you want to see how this counsel coaching works, how it works to be able to look at your life in a more objective way for me to help remove and separate your subjectivity from what is actually happening so that you can see your life in this subjective way and choose the thoughts that you can start to believe that are going to serve more of who you actually are then you can just sign up for a 45 minute consultation with me.

It is absolutely free and I look forward to chatting with you but when you are ready to change your life, when you are ready to take that action, go to thealphamalecoach.com and click on The Elevated Alpha Society Spartan Academy for the development of cognitive mastery and I look forward to you enrollment and working with you as a student. Until then or until next week when we come back on the podcast, elevate your alpha.

[END OF EPISODE]

[0:28:01.5] ANNOUNCER: Thank you for listening to this episode of the Alpha Male Coach Podcast. If you enjoyed what you’ve heard and want even more, sign up for Unleash Your Alpha, your guide to shifting to the alpha mindset, at the alphamalecoach.com/unleash.

[END]

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