Ep #7: How to Dominate Your Emotions

Welcome to The Alpha Male Coach Podcast, the only podcast that teaches men the cognitive mastery and alpha-mindset that it takes to become an influential and irresistible man of confidence. Here’s your host, certified life coach and international man of mystery, Kevin Aillaud.

What’s up, my brothers? Welcome back to The Alpha Male Coach Podcast. I am Kevin Aillaud, the Alpha Male Coach. And I am here to talk to you guys about emotions today; that’s right, emotions.

So check this out; we’ve been talking about the universal truth for how life works. And just to quickly review once again – I’m going to do this a few more times because we’ve got a few more places to get through with the universal truth. I want you guys to know that circumstances, the events that occur in our lives, including our past and other people, are neutral.

They will trigger a thought. That thought will then create an emotion, which is what we’re going to talk about today. Our emotions drive our actions. Our actions will then determine our results. It’s the law of cause and effect; every action we take will determine a result. And that result will become evidence for the original thought.

So the big thing here about the universal truth is that circumstances are outside our realm of control and they really don’t matter. I mean, they really don’t matter, guys. Anything that happens, any type of circumstance, whatever somebody says, whatever somebody does, whether it happens now or whether it happened in the past, is neutral.

You get to make it mean anything you want. And once you are able to hijack the process of the universal truth at the point of thought, you are creating your own result. Now, I use the Model to align myself and my clients with the universal truth. And the Model is basically taking these five components of the universal truth and plugging in, logically, exactly what happens.

So a circumstance happens. What did I think about that circumstance? What did I make it mean? What does that thought make me feel? What does that emotion make me do? What action does it drive, or inaction? Sometimes emotions create inaction. And then, what does that action create in my life? What are the results I get in my life? That is the Model. It’s the five component Model.

Now today, we’re going to talk about emotions. Last week, we talked about thoughts. Today, we’re going to talk about emotions. Now, I’m going to start with what emotions are. Guys, I am a scientist. I believe in science. There’s a lot of science in my coaching and my teaching.

So what an emotion is, is not some energy that’s kind of bouncing around in the universe. In fact, that is all circumstance. What’s happening out in the universe is circumstance. That’s all molecular and cellular energy. An emotion is literally a molecule that happens and is released from the brain and it goes into the body.

And what it does is it attaches itself to the cells of our body. And when it attaches itself to the cells of our body, it unlocks the cell – it kind of opens the membrane. The membrane is like the eggshell around the egg. It’s the outer coating that keeps the liquid cell together. And it unlocks that membrane and it goes into the cell and then it changes the cell. It makes it move and dance and vibrate.

And whatever movement, whatever vibration occurs at the cellular level, is what we feel as an emotion. So emotions and feelings are kind of the same thing. An emotion is a one-word title that we give to a feeling, to the way we feel in our body. So we can use this term interchangeably.

I prefer the term emotion because an emotion is really what we call the feeling. The feeling is what we feel in the body. The emotion is what we name it. So an emotion is just a cellular change in the body; that’s it.

It’s a physiological change at the cellular level in the body; nothing else, nothing more. However, it is our emotions that really make life feel awesome and great, or make life feel horrible and terrible. And because of how impactful emotions are, we really avoid negative emotions and we really seek out pleasurable emotions.

Now let me just make a very quick distinction for you guys; the difference between emotion and sensation. An emotion is something that starts in the mind, in the brain, and it’s created by a thought. So we have a thought that occurs in the brain, and then that thought releases a molecule into the body that will create the emotion, that will create the feeling.

A sensation is the opposite. It starts in the body, and then it moves up into the brain. So things like hunger or thirst or how we gage temperature, whether I’m warm or cold, physical pain, this happens in the body first. It happens as a sensation in the body and then it’s sent to the brain and says, oh that’s pain, or I’m cold, or I’m hungry.

So that’s the difference; an emotion starts as a thought. It’s a thought that we have, and then it turns into a feeling. Now, emotions are nothing to be afraid of. In fact, emotions really, as I mentioned, they’re just physiological changes that occur at the cellular level.

And if you were to try to explain an emotion to a non-sentient being – if we had an alien come down from space and say, “Hey you humans are so emotionally driven. Can you tell me what it feels like to be angry? Can you tell me what it feels like to have fear? Can you tell me what it feels like to experience joy?”

If you really took the time to go into your body and think about these things and feel these emotions and then explain them, you’ll realize that all you’re really talking about is vibrations in the body; maybe differences of temperature, maybe you get some tenseness, maybe you get some shallowness of breath. Depending on the emotion, maybe you stand more upright if you’re feeling more confident or you start to shake a little bit if you’re feeling nervous or afraid.

But really, it’s just happening in the body. It’s just your body undergoing some sort of physiological change. That being said, that emotions aren’t anything to be afraid of, they are so important for life. In fact, they are our life because everything that we ever want in life is always going to be based on an emotion.

We think that it’s going to be based on the thing, but it’s not the thing that drives us to get it. It’s not that object. It’s not the external object that we want; it is the emotion that we think the object will deliver to us.

So you may say, “I want a million dollars. I want to have a million dollars in my bank account.” But having a million dollars in your bank account is just sitting there. It’s just a million dollars. It’s just numbers on a computer screen. It’s nothing.

The reason why you want that is because of the emotion you think you’re going to feel when you have that, whether that emotion is safety or security or happiness or joy or whatever it is. You’re driven by the emotion that you’re going to feel when you have that object; the job you want, the woman you want, the car, the house, the money, like I said, the experience even.

So it’s our emotions that drive our actions. It’s our emotions that create our life. Now you guys understand that, there’s going to be this kind of movement to say, well I only want to experience positive emotions. I just want to feel happy all the time. I just want to feel confident all the time. I just want to feel love all the time.

And I’m telling you guys that this would be a big mistake. Any time we only feel one thing all the time, or even a few positive things all the time, it does us a disservice in life because, again, let’s talk about what an emotion is. An emotion is a molecule. It is something in our body that changes our body at the cellular level.

So if we’re bombarding our cells with the same few emotions over and over and over again, our cells will build up a resistance to that molecule; the same way it builds up a resistance to a drug. And when you build up a resistance to a drug, you’re going to need more of that drug to feel less sensitivity to it.

So when we have constant happiness or constant confidence or constant joy, then all we’re doing is we’re bombarding our cells with this same molecule over and over again and building up resistance to it so that we just don’t feel it anymore. It becomes our new state of normal.

The other problem with always having positive emotions is that there’s no contrast with negative emotions. The reason why we want to feel sad is because it makes feeling happy so much more happy. It makes it feel so much more positive.

It’s a part of our human experience to have duality. It’s a part of our human experience to take the bad with the good; to take the positive with the negative. And so we not just need to experience the duality of life. We don’t just need to experience the negative so that we can really enjoy the positive, we also want to make sure that we’re balancing our cells – we’re creating a homeostasis in our body, so that we’re getting the full range of molecules that will change our cells, that will make our cells dance and vibrate at the cellular level.

That is so important. Now, people don’t understand this. Most people don’t understand this. And so what happens is, they do several different ways to get around feeling negative emotions. They say negative emotions feel bad, I don’t want to feel them. I’m just going to avoid them.

One of the things people do is avoid negative emotions. And when you avoid emotions, what you end up doing is you find an external source, an external pleasure, to push into your brain, into your body, so that you can avoid feeling that negative emotion, and then we call that a false pleasure. We call that buffering. And I’m going to do a whole podcast on buffering because there’s specific ways that human beings buffer.

But we typically will find an external source, an external false pleasure, that we’ll go to, to avoid feeling a negative emotion. Now, as men specifically, we’re often taught to do one of two other things. So basically, we can avoid emotions, but we’re also taught to resist emotions.

We’re taught that men aren’t emotional. Emotions are for women. Men aren’t supposed to feel their emotions. Men are supposed to always be stoic, always act like a man; stand up straight, don’t let emotions bother you, think logically, think stoically.

And when you do that, you resist your humanity. Guys, this is a lie that has been taught to our entire gender, our entire male sex, that we should not feel emotions. It’s erroneous. We can’t not feel emotions.

What we end up doing is resisting emotions. And by resisting emotions, we’re doing ourselves so much harm. The resisting of emotion actually turns into anxiety. Anxiety is an emotional derivative. It’s not a true emotion. It’s not a true molecule. What it is, is it’s the feeling we get when we’re resisting the molecule, resisting the emotion.

And anxiety is a major cause of physiological problems, including cancer. I mean, there are so many problems that come with anxiety, and it’s all from resisting emotions. So never resist emotions. But it’s something that we’re taught to do specifically as men. I know that a lot of women resist their emotions as well, but men are kind of like, to be a man, you have to resist your emotions. It’s erroneous, guys. Forget that. That’s a lie.

The other thing we’re taught – we’re taught to avoid, we’re taught to resist, but we’re also taught to react to emotions. And if you want to get an emotion out and if you really want to just have it processed through your body, you need to react to it.

When you get angry, it’s okay to throw a plate. If you get angry, it’s okay to punch a pillow. If you get sad, it’s okay to ball your eyes out, right? Just let it out, have a good cry, they say. This is also erroneous. This is also not true.

When you react to an emotion, when you do those kinds of things, you’re not actually processing the emotion. You’re not actually allowing that chemical, you’re not allowing that molecule to go and work through your body. What you’re doing is you’re becoming the vibration. You’re becoming the emotion itself and you’re showing, as a great display, what emotion it is that you are going through.

Your actions are literally becoming the emotion that you feel. You never have to show your emotion to process it. Now, that doesn’t mean resist it. I just got done telling you that we don’t resist emotions. Resisting emotions is not a good thing. It leads to other problems. But you don’t ever need to put your emotion on display by reacting to it for everybody to see.

So the three major things that we do with emotions that we want to not do with emotions is resist them, react to them, and avoid them. What we want to do instead is just process them. And all that means is allowing that molecule, allowing that physical process, that physiological change to occur, because it passes.

Because when that molecule reacts with our cells and it vibrates the cell, the cell will do its thing. It will go through its little change, and then it’s done, and then it’s gone, and we move forward. So we want to learn how to process our emotions. We want to learn how to feel them, we want to learn how to process them.

And the reason why we want to do that is because of what we’re going to talk about on the next podcast, which is that they are what drive all of our actions. And our actions will determine our results. That’s the law of cause and effect.

So we choose our thoughts to create our emotions and then we deliberately process and feel our emotions to get the actions that we want to have. Now, that, my brothers, is the big difference between the beta male and the alpha male. And let me just clear this up – let me explain this to you.

Beta men believe that their emotions come from their circumstances. They believe that something happens, somebody says something, somebody does something, or something in their past has happened and it’s created this emotion in them.

So somebody says something and boom, they jump to anger. And all of a sudden, they’re angry because of what that person said. Wrong, that is beta male thinking. That is archaic thinking. It’s caveman thinking.

The alpha male, the way I redefine the term alpha male is the man who’s cognitive and emotionally responsible, who recognizes that somebody can say something and I don’t need to get angry about it. I don’t need to be emotionally attached to it at all. They can say something and what they say is on them.

I can think anything I want about it and I can choose my thoughts to create the emotion that I want to show up in that relationship. If my boss says something about my work, I don’t have to take it personally and make it mean anything about me. I can choose to think the way I want about it and create the emotion that will drive the appropriate action.

That is the alpha male. The alpha male is a deliberate conscious thinker and a deliberate emotional feeler. Now, why is that important? Why is that change in definition important? It’s important because if our thoughts cause our feelings – and this is true, our thoughts cause our feelings – I want you to consider how much pain some of these, quote en quote, positive thoughts have brought into the world.

They seem like positive thoughts, right? Like, parents should be kind, parents should provide a loving upbringing for their children, people should live to an old age, or there shouldn’t be any hate, hate shouldn’t exist, people shouldn’t hurt each other. Guys, I mean, my clients, mostly, because of they want to have a true connection with a beautiful woman, they come from a past, a childhood, of abuse, of pain, of emotional neglect and emotional abandonment.

So they have these thoughts, parents should be kind, parents should provide a loving upbringing, people shouldn’t hurt each other. And it’s creating in their minds an idea that because they didn’t have that, that there’s something wrong with them, like there should be no abuse.

And let’s just take that last thought, that there should be no abuse. There is abuse. There has always been abuse. Most of us have committed some type of abuse in our lives as adults. There will always be abuse as long as there are humans. It is part of the human condition, a part of the human experience.

Now accepting this does not put us into a victim mentality. What puts us in a victim mentality is not accepting that this is a fact. Accepting this is what gives us truth instead of hiding from the fact that there is abuse, hiding it in the shame and guilt, it because more easy to be discussed and understood.

When we’re under the false impression that resisting abuse and attempting to eliminate it somehow, to control our circumstances, it is somehow working to remove it from the human experience altogether, but that’s not the way life works. That hasn’t worked. People have tried. It’s never worked. It’s never going to work.

Human abuse will always exist. So what do we do about it? If we can’t control our circumstances, and we know we can’t control our circumstances, what do we do? Emotional abuse, physical abuse, and sexual abuse, are actually more a norm then you might have imagined.

Many of my clients make this abuse mean that there’s something so terrible, that there’s something so wrong with them, that they’re unable to move forward, that they’re unable to have a real connection with people, and specifically with beautiful women; like a truly intimate connection. They’re filled with hate toward their abusers and shame towards themselves.

Now, resisting negative emotions perpetuates the negative instead of allowing for the balance and the healing, instead of allowing for those emotions to be processed, they have been taught that they need to be resisted. Now, accepting the negative is nothing like condoning it. That’s important for you to know.

What it does is bringing the negative out into the light of day. So so many of my clients have never spoken of abuse because it isn’t supposed to be happening. But it is happening in so many families around the world. And especially for men, like, I know that for men, it’s hard to ask for help.

If you’ve been abused as a boy, then you’re already under the belief that you can’t trust people; you can’t trust adults. So having this mindset of I’m not going to talk about it, I’m not going to bring it out there, is just that resisting. But what if we all knew and we talked about that abuse happens and is a part of the human experience and it was out in the open?

We would understand it more and there would be no shame to compound the suffering around it. This applies to all things negative; all things negative and all things human. Not just abuse, but all things, neglect, abandonment, humans are a terrible mess half the time. Most of us know that this is true in our own lives, but we spend a lot of time pretending it isn’t, right?

We spend a lot of time hiding and resisting that part of us that is dark, that is shameful, that we don’t want to talk about, that we won’t admit to even our best friends. And this pulls us away from consciousness. This pulls us away from our alpha male, form our inner alpha mindset.

If our effort is to be happy all the time, we stay away from discomfort that could help us evolve and inspire us to make our dreams come true. Think about fear. Think about the fear of being rejected by a beautiful woman. If we say, “Oh, I can’t be rejected, I just need to be happy. I just don’t want to feel that fear, I don’t want to feel that discomfort…” we’re literally preventing ourselves from the opportunity of true intimacy.

We are failing and we’re failing ahead of time. What we want to do instead is be willing to fail. We want to be willing to fail epically and try, using courage. Feel the fear, but use courage to overcome the fear. When we accept that emotional balance, that our emotions as humans mean that 50% of the time we are going to have some sort of negative vibration, some sort of uncomfortable vibration occurring at the cellular level. And that is the normal human experience.

Now, how do we reconcile having a life where we’re responsible for what we think and feel while also embracing that half of our life will be hard and painful? How do we basically unleash our alpha? How do we become alpha men by using our cognitive and emotional ability to feel positive emotion half the time and negative emotion the other half of the time?

Guys, we do this consciously and deliberately. We get to choose our emotions on purpose by what we think. And this does not mean that we should be happy all the time. It doesn’t mean that we should always be selecting happiness and confidence and love.

My clients, when they know that they have control over their thoughts and emotions, they start to feel guilty for not being happy. It’s like, oh well if I can just choose what to think then I just want to choose to be happy all the time. Why would I ever choose something negative?

The truth is because that is not the goal. That is the misunderstanding. That is the illusion. That is what the beta male things, which is why the beta male tries to control his circumstances, so that he can be happy all the time because he thinks that the circumstance is creating his emotions, so he’s out there trying to run around and manipulate people, manipulate circumstances, to create happiness all the time.

The alpha male knows that is not the case. The goal is not 100% happiness. The goal is 100% humanness, to live the human experience as well as we can knowing that it includes a lot of contrast on purpose. So we need to choose our humanness over our happiness to have more peace.

When someone dies, and people will, our loved ones, we want to feel grief, even though we know death is a part of the human experience. When someone abuses us, we want to feel angry, even though we know abuse is a part of the human experience. When we lose, we want to feel disappointed, even though we know that this feeling is optional based on what we think.

We want to feel horrified when the negative things happen, not because it shouldn’t be a part of our experience, but because it is a part of our experience. You see, guys, we are given emotions to feel and experience as we journey on this planet. That’s our gift.

We want and we need the negative ones. We don’t want to feel joy all the time. We want to feel the range of emotions based on what’s happening in the world and how we choose to think about it. And once you accept this, you can live a life more consciously. And when you live your life more consciously, you start to take ownership and you start to decide what you want to think to create how you feel in order to determine the actions and create your results.

A lot of times, in order to create the actions that we want, we have to feel uncomfortable emotions. When we take the actions that we want and we get the results that we’re looking for, it’s not always through excitement and joy and happiness. Sometimes we have to trudge through fear, the fear of rejection. Sometimes we have to trudge through the boredom of constantly doing the same thing so that we can get to the goal we’re looking for.

If you want to run a mile in under six minutes, you have to go out there and run a lot of miles and you’ve got to go through that. That’s not always going to be comfortable. We’ve got to feel the negative stuff to drive the actions in order to get the results we’re looking for.

Guys, that’s what I’ve got for you today on emotions. Now, emotions are a big one. Next week, we’re going to talk about actions. We’re going to talk about what our emotions will drive in our lives. And actions are also a big one, because the actions are, now we get into behavior. We get into manifestation.

The last two episodes, we talked about our cognition and our emotion, what we think and what we feel, and that’s all in our mind and in our body. Next week, we talk about behavior, and we start getting into the law of cause and effect. So I look forward to you guys joining me next week. It’s going to be an amazing episode, just like this episode.

And as always, guys, until I see you next week, unleash your alpha.

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