Ep #28: Why You ARE Capable of Indomitable Self-Confidence

Welcome to The Alpha Male Coach Podcast, the only podcast that teaches men the cognitive mastery and alpha-mindset that it takes to become an influential and irresistible man of confidence. Here’s your host, certified life coach and international man of mystery, Kevin Aillaud.

What’s up, my brothers. Welcome back to The Alpha Male Coach Podcast. I am your host, Kevin Aillaud. Today, we’re going to talk about indomitable self-confidence. I’m not going to say indomitable every time, but I want you guys to know what that means; it means unshakable, unbreakable.

So it’s self-confidence that is set in a frame that no one can change; no one can break, no one can get into, no one can change. You have a strong, you have an indomitable mental frame of self-confidence. And I have done a self-confidence podcast episode before. It was the third episode. So if you guys are interested in that, check that out. Go all the way back to episode number three and you can hear some words on self-confidence that I gave you guys back then.

Today, we’re going to talk about self-confidence, what it is, what it’s not. But before that, I even want to talk to you guys about emotion. I want to go back and give you this reminder on emotion, because emotion, as I said last week about unconditional love, emotion is a physiological change in your body at the cellular level. It’s just a vibration at the cells.

So that’s what an emotion is. Actually, an emotion is a chemical. The emotion is the chemical, it’s the neuropeptide that creates the feeling, which is the physiological change in your body at the cellular level.  So it’s actually the feeling that we feel. The vibration is the feeling. It’s the adjective, whereas the emotion is the chemical. That’s the noun.

So an emotion is the chemical. It’s a neuropeptide, it’s the neurotransmitter, and it comes from a thought. It comes from a belief. So we create our own emotions from our brains. When we think a thought that we believe, when we have a thought that we believe, conscious or unconscious, we have an emotional response, which is a release of chemicals, molecules, from the brain into the body, which get into the cells of our body and, like a key going into a lock, open up the cell, they vibrate, they change, that is the feeling that we identify with an emotion. So it’s a change at the physiological level.

Now, it happens and it feels differently for different chemicals, and we feel the response differently. Sometimes it’s increased heart rate, sometimes it’s increased respiratory rate, elevation in temperature, decline in temperature, it’s tightness of muscles. So it can create actual changes, physiological changes, and that’s what I’m saying. That’s the feeling that the chemical process of an emotion is.

It comes from us. It comes from what we think. It actually comes from what we believe because we’re going to believe something, and that belief is going to create the emotion. We can have a positive thought with a negative belief, and we’re going to get that uncomfortable emotion. So it’s really the thought that we believe that creates our emotions.

Now, we get to choose our cognition and we can create beliefs. We can do this. When we manage our mind, we can learn to create beliefs, and when we create beliefs, then we’re in the game. Then we’re in the business because when we create the beliefs, we get to decide the emotions that drive our actions. That’s why emotions are so important. That’s why I spend so much time talking about emotions.

I spend a lot of time on this podcast and in my work with my students and my clients talking about relationships and emotions, because actions are physics. The actions that we take is just force times distance over time. We’re just moving matter through space and time, and that is what an action is. The only thing that makes that action easy or difficult is the way we think about it, the way we feel about it, because it’s our feeling that’s driving it; it’s that physiological change.

If we have a good feeling, if we have love, excitement, happiness then we act one way. Observe yourself. Watch this in your own life. You can see it with other people all the time. Observe and see, people that are happy are going to behave one way. They’re going to behave in a happy way. People with a negative emotion or uncomfortable emotion, when they’re annoyed, afraid, angry, sad, they’re behaving a different way and you can see this.

But what we’re witnessing is just physics. We’re witnessing just action, neutral action. But we can see the difference in how we act in our life based on how we feel. And that’s true for everyone. So, that is the power of emotions.

So, last week we talked about unconditional love, and this week, we’re talking about indomitable self-confidence because confidence creates massive action. Like, if there was one emotion that would get you to climb a mountain, swim an ocean, it’s confidence. This is the emotion. This is the emotion that gets you to do amazing stuff. It’s confidence. It’s always been, it will always be confidence.

It’s not courage. Courage gets you through paralysis. Courage gets you through the paralysis of fear. You feel fear and then you act anyway, that’s courage. So that’s just kind of getting you moving. But when you really believe, when you have a thought that you believe so strongly as to create confidence, there is nothing that will stand in your way between your thought and your result. Courage is the juggernaut of emotion. Nothing can stand in its way.

So that is why I love confidence. When I said courage, I meant confidence. Confidence is the juggernaut of emotions. That’s why I love confidence so much, because you can create anything. You can get any result you want.

People say, “Alpha males are so confident.” Okay, I’ll take that because that’s definitely true. I would say that is a characteristic. But where I would disagree is with anybody that would say that confidence is innate, because it’s not innate. It’s something you create. In fact, it’s just the opposite of what’s innate. I believe that self-doubt is innate.

I believe that our animal brain, our beta condition runs in a way as to chase problems. It wants to find a problem, create a solution. It’s going to be living more in fear. And when it lives in fear, it lives in doubt. I don’t know if I can do this, right, there’s a problem here, I have to doubt. So I’d say, what’s more innate for our human animal, our brain, the sentences in our head, would be more self-doubt.

Confidence is created. We create confidence with our belief system. So it’s definitely not innate, but it is a valuable tool of the alpha male; not to weigh influence on other people, although confidence definitely weighs influence on other people. People who recognize confidence in someone usually gravitate towards them. They’re kind of drawn to that energy, that energy of abundance and belief in what they’re doing. I mean, that’s what confidence is. And people are drawn to that.

But that is not why it’s a tool of the alpha male. It’s a tool of the alpha male because of what it does for him, what it does for you as an alpha is that it is a driver of massive action, and so it does create the life that you intend. It creates the life that you choose for yourself.

Now, of course, there is a range of emotion. I like to think of emotion as walking into a bar and seeing 100 beers on tap. You can just kind of choose. You walk up to the bartender and say, “Can I get a sampler your mid-to-level comfortable, please? Can I get the joy, the happy, the bliss,” or whatever, you know, just give me a sampler.

And that’s kind of what emotion is.  It’s a cocktail in our brain. It’s a chemical cocktail of neuropeptides that, on different levels and in different amounts, create feelings that we feel. So there’s a lot of different emotions out there, but that feeling that we identify as confidence, whatever that emotion, whatever that chemical composition is, it’s the big, like, bring it on into our body. It’s the big, like, let’s do this, I’m ready for anything, I can take on the world.

That’s what confidence feels like and that’s why it is the driver of massive action and it’s one of the big cornerstones of my teaching. I started off as a fitness coach, moved into a confidence coach, now life coach, you know, taking on a lot of different, basically anything really. With this methodology, using the model, the universal truth, taking on any problems, with relationships, with addictions, with health, with wealth, it doesn’t really matter what you’re struggling with because the universal truth is how you get through those issues.

But confidence is going to get you, when we look at the model, confidence is going to get you to your future-focused thinking. It’s going to get you to your intended results.

Now, confidence has three pillars. If you go back to the third episode, I did say this, and I’m going to re-mention it here because it’s important that you understand what confidence is and h what it’s not. And what it is, is three things.

Number one, it’s trust in yourself. Now, what does that mean, trust in myself? Well, that means that you say something, you have a thought, and then you do something, you take an action. And that thought and that action, they line up. Now, not because other people hear when you say and want to see what you do. It has nothing to do with other people.

It has nothing to do with other people thinking you’re a person of integrity or person of your word. It has to do with you building confidence in yourself. It has to do with you saying this is what I intend and then following through with that intention. And when you do that, when those two things line up, you create a belief in yourself. You create a trust in yourself, and that power, that neural pathway that you create will flood your body with the chemical of confidence. You will start to feel more confident.

So that’s one, belief in yourself. Number two is fearlessness in feeling other emotions. And I find that with this one, the way you learn this one is knowing that other emotions are not ever going to hurt you. Other emotions are, just again, chemicals in your body. The feelings themselves aren’t even positive or negative, comfortable or uncomfortable; they’re just vibrations.

It would be like saying the salsa is better than the salsa is better than the bachata. It’s like the two are just different dances. Well, they’re actually similar dances. It would be like saying the salsa is better than the line dance, country swing; they’re just different. One’s not better or worse; they’re just different.

So that’s number two, knowing that you can handle any emotion, knowing that you can handle fear. If fear comes up, you can handle it, you’ve got it, no problem. Anger comes up, no problem Boredom comes up, not a problem. I’ve felt boredom before, I’ve got this. You start to know that. You start to believe that. And again, the belief, it’s not just the thought. It’s not just the knowledge of what the pillar is, but it’s believing that it is true. That belief will release confidence, will create confidence and release it into your body.

The third one is a positive opinion of yourself. The third pillar is having a positive opinion of yourself. And, brother, look, you can start doing this. This is just like affirmations. But again, they have to be believable. So, at the end of this podcast, I’m going to give you one way to build each one of these pillars up. But again, that third pillar is having a positive opinion of yourself.

And it’s not the same as trusting in yourself. It is just the thoughts that you have. It’s the relationship with yourself. It’s the thoughts you have with who you are and what you’re worthy of and deserving of in this life. Because if you don’t believe you’re worthy of or deserve the results that you want, you’re not going to create the confidence to get it. So there has to be that opinion of yourself. There has to be that positive opinion of yourself.

Let me get into what confidence is not but often mistaken for sometimes. First of all, confidence is not arrogance. And I see and I hear so often that because I have the brand The Alpha Male Coach, I do have people that will say, an alpha male is this, an alpha male is that, I don’t subscribe to the alpha beta philosophy, I think it’s just a way to label people and blah, blah, blah.

And I get that. I understand that 100%. I understand what everybody’s thoughts are. Again, these are all thoughts, right? Even the brand itself, The Alpha Male Coach, that is a brand. It’s a thought.

But there’s a big stigma and this alpha male myth that alpha men are arrogant, especially being held from people that are looking from the outside in. They’re looking at the behavior of an alpha male saying, they can be very arrogant.

Now, some people will say they are very confident as well. So even the confidence piece, okay, so what is the difference between what you’re seeing and what you’re seeing and what you’re thinking and what you’re thinking? And let me say it this way, guys; arrogance – and this is why the alpha male is confident and arrogance is more of a beta condition, because the arrogance is a place of superiority.

Arrogance comes from a thought, a belief, that people can be measured by value, can be measured by worth. It’s like to say I am better because, or you are better because, or you are worse because, or I am worse because, or she is better – or even the whole SMV, the sexual market value, this she’s an eight, or he’s a six, she’s a seven, he’s a five and they are one or two number apart – it’s this kind of thinking, this kind of belief – and again, we’re talking about thoughts that you believe – this kind of thinking and belief, neural pathway, neural network creates arrogance, not confidence.

It creates arrogance and insecurity; arrogance on the superior side and insecurity on the inferior side because there will always be somebody better. With this kind of neural network, with this kind of thinking, belief system, there’s always going to be somebody better. Yeah, you might be better than someone else, which brings out the arrogance, but somebody’s going to be better than you. That brings out the insecurity because there’s always a comparison.

There’s always that comparison, and the old alpha male myths, there were some of them that were centered around physical dominance and others that were centered around social dominance. And some of these have to do with confidence and arrogance. But understand that none of them have to do with confidence because confidence because confidence doesn’t have to do with other people.

Physical dominance has to do with other people. Social dominance, relational dominance has to do with other people. Arrogance has to do with other people. I cannot be arrogant unless I’m comparing myself to someone else. Confidence has nothing to do with other people.

I can be completely confident; I can be completely strong in my three pillars of confidence and think no thoughts about anyone else. No other people even come into those three pillars. If you understand the three pillars of self-confidence, you understand that other people aren’t even a factor.

If you understand how to build self-confidence, other people don’t even come into play. I can be 100% awesome and so can everybody else. That’s confidence. In fact, that’s indomitable self-confidence, because by saying that, I’m saying I am maxed out and so is everybody else. We are all exactly where we should be right here right now. I’m not better, I’m not worse. You’re not better, you’re not worse. We are all right where we should be, all 100% perfect and awesome.

That is the indomitable self-confidence, because then, no matter what anybody else says or does, it’s like, okay that was exactly what was supposed to happen. I mean, it’s not better. This person is not demonstrating superiority or inferiority. They are only being that person.

Confidence, resting on these three pillars is never comparing yourself to anyone else. And that is really where the alpha male of the 21^st century, that’s how my definition of the alpha male plays in there, where it’s self-mastery. It’s not dominance over anyone else. It’s dominance over yourself. It’s cognitive mastery, emotional ownership.

So that’s what confidence is not. It is not arrogance, but it is those three pillars. So let me finish.  I’m going to finish this podcast here by helping you learn how to build self-confidence based off each of these three pillars, because really, it’s a combination of the three. That’s why it’s so tricky. That’s why it’s so elusive. I mean, it’s such a powerful emotion, but it’s not earned easily.

I mean, I don’t know how many of you guys out there ever were into videogames or if you ever saw any action adventure movies, but confidence is like the level 10 emotion. It’s like you’ve really got to learn a lot of tricks and skills. You’ve got to learn some skills to get this emotion. You’ve got to earn it, you know?

I mean, it’s not one of those easy emotions to come by. I mean, there’s three pillars. Each one of these pillars has to be built up, has to be developed in such a way that you are creating thoughts that you believe to get a combination, to get a hardwiring in order to receive this amazing emotion of massive action.

It’s really amazing. It’s really quite amazing the way it all works out. But that’s important. It’s important for you to see that it’s not an easy process to get confidence because of what it does, you know, because it’s so powerful.

So pillar number one, the ability to trust in yourself. As I mentioned before, what this means is it means keeping your word to yourself, and you can build it up slowly, you can build it up daily. I kind of think about it as like, give yourself little tasks, little achievable tasks.

Because once you have confidence, then you can go for those big goals, then you can go for those impossible goals. But to build up your confidence, to build up that emotion, that feeling, a good thing to do is give yourself small, easily doable baseline style tasks.

Like for example, if you’re getting out of bed, your alarm goes off at 7:30 and you hit the snooze button three times and you get out of bed at eight. Say you have a nine-minute snooze and then you get out of bed at eight, give yourself a doable task and say I’m only going to hit the snooze button twice.

Because if you say I’m not going to hit the snooze button, then you’re going to be really – it’s going to be tough because you’re hitting it three times. Maybe you say I’m just going to hit it two times. I’m just going to hit it one time. You start to dial it back a little bit.

If you’re not exercising at all, like it’s just not something you do, then maybe you say two days a week I’m going to go and walk around the block, I’m going to go for a 20-minute walk, but it’s something that you know you will do. So again, I say baseline is almost like a minimum. It’s like what would you do at a minimum so that you know that you will say something and you will follow through with it, you will keep your word to yourself.

At a minimum, what do you know you will do to keep your word to yourself? Now, I know that some of you guys listening are like that’s easy, that’s simple, so you can go higher, you can go harder. Some of you out there are like, super ambitious and you’re like, well I’m ready for creating my results, that’s amazing.

You can, you will create your results with indomitable self-confidence. But for the guys that are out there and they’re just still creating that confidence, they’re still learning to get the belief in themselves, then start with things that you know you’ll follow through on because every time you say you’ll do something and then you don’t, you actually deplete your self-confidence. You actually create more doubt in yourself.

So what you definitely don’t want to do is go from not working out to say I’m going to go to the gym six days a week because even if you go four or five days a week, that’s amazing, that’s great, but if you said I’m going to go six days a week and then you don’t, you’re creating that neural pathway, that neural network of doubt.

It’s like oh man, I didn’t do it, I didn’t make it. Do the big goals when the confidence is there and you created it, but you create it with your belief system. Do it with your word to yourself.

Number two, pillar number two is knowing you can feel any emotion and no harm will come to you. Brother, really this one, I think this one is just knowing what an emotion is. You know what an emotion is. It’s a chemical. It’s just a chemical.

Now, I know in the time that you feel it, when we’re feeling fear, when we’re feeling bored, when we’re feeling frustrated, annoyed, angry – you know, anger is a tough one because we want to become anger, we want to really be angry, but when we’re feeling some of these emotions, these negative emotions and we want to resist them, we want to avoid them, we want to get away from them, which is what we’re taught.

I believe that most men are taught as boys to resist emotions, which is why we’re – many of us are desensitized now. But when we feel it, when we know we can feel it and it’s just a vibration, it’s just something happening, maybe our heart rate goes up. Our heart rate goes from 50 beats per minute to 80 beats per minute, it’s not that big a deal. It’s not going to kill us.

It’s like having to explain to somebody who doesn’t understand the human condition – think I said this on another podcast. It’s like if you had to explain to an alien, an extraterrestrial what an emotion is, like not what you think about emotions but what it actually is, well, the heart rate goes up, the respiratory rate goes up, maybe my body temperature changes, my muscles clench up, maybe I shake a little bit or I start to sweat, there’s some dilation of the pores, all the glands start to work.

It’s like, wait, the alien is kind of looking at you like wait a second, from what I’ve heard about emotions, what I’ve heard, these things are really what’s preventing everybody from living amazing lives. It’s creating – emotions are what creates suffering. You’re telling me it’s just a bunch of tight muscles? Just a bunch of increased heart rate? What does that mean?

And when you understand that, I mean, it really just removes the resistance. It removes the fear of feeling the heart rate go up or the respiratory rate go up. Okay, so what? That is the best way I know of working on pillar number two.

Feeling the emotion itself and in times when you’re in a safe place, intensifying the emotion, making the emotion worse. Build the thought up that you’re having the emotion you have and build it up to the point where it’s almost like you can’t even stand it and recognize in that moment that like hey bro, you’re alive. This is the worst that could happen. Think about that. This is the worst that could happen, this feeling in your body. No big deal, right? Not so bad.

Pillar number three. With this one, my friend, it really is a belief system and it takes – I almost want to say it takes time but at the same time it doesn’t take time because no matter where you are in your belief system, you can always believe thoughts you have about yourself.

And I don’t want to take it for granted where anybody’s come from. I understand that some people come from a long history of being convinced, sort of having their beta condition conditioned to believe certain things about who they are, and I understand that. I do, I get that.

What I want to say about this is that you can choose how you view – remember, your past is a part of the C line, brother. Your past is neutral. So no matter how long the history is, no matter how you think about what has occurred and what you’ve made it mean about who you are, you can at the same time look back and find the contrary.

So for example – and this is for pillar number three. This is having the strong opinions, having the positive opinion about yourself. If I were to give you a piece of paper and say hey bro, check this out, I want you to write down – fill this piece of paper of all the horrible things that have happened in your life.

Then if you’re already in that mentality, if you’re already running beta condition and having a strong belief system about who you are and all the bad things that created these limiting beliefs you have, then it’s going to be very simple for you to fill up that piece of paper. You might do it very fast.

But if I took that assignment, said okay, I have one more assignment for you, I want you to take this piece of paper, a blank piece of paper, same size, and I want you to fill it with all of the amazing stuff that happened in your past, all the cool, really fun stuff, I’m sure you would be able to do that as well.

I’m sure that the same person who filled up the other piece of paper would be able to fill this piece of paper up as well. Now, it might take more time. It may, but they could do it because they’re having to create, having to look at the neutral past, the neutral circumstances and create those thoughts. All thoughts are here. Now, in the moment.

Now they’re running thoughts here now in the moment about a conditioned past that they’ve always been running unconsciously, but they can create thoughts here now in the moment about the exact same past that are positive, that are happy, that shows the accomplishments and the amazingness of who they are.

So what I’m saying is for pillar number three, having a positive opinion of yourself, you can do that right now. I mean, listening to this podcast, you can do that right now. There is no such thing as an old thought. All thoughts are happening right now.

What you think about your neutral past is your choice and what you think about who you are today has nothing to do with your past. It has to do with you right now. So to make a list, what are 20 amazing things about yourself? I like to have my clients be able to shout out, just run off – not have to shout it out but just be able to list very quickly 12 things that are amazing about who they are within 30 seconds.

That’s actually not that hard to do because you can tell me something amazing about you in half a second. So really, you could do it in six seconds, but I gave you 30 seconds to get why I give my clients even 30 seconds. But you should just know 12 things. Not that hard because you are an amazing person.

You guys are all awesome people and that’s what I got for you today. Indomitable self-confidence. Again, it is a feeling. It’s a feeling that comes from an emotion, generated from a belief system, and you can create it by mastering your cognition.

Alright brother, I will see you next week and until next week when we finish up with some – talk about fear, one more emotion, until we talk about that, elevate your alpha.

Thank you for listening to this episode of The Alpha Male Coach Podcast. If you enjoy what you’ve heard and want even more, sign up for Unleash Your Alpha – your guide to shifting to the alpha mindset – at thealphamalecoach.com/unleash.