Ep #27: How to Love Unconditionally

Welcome to The Alpha Male Coach Podcast, the only podcast that teaches men the cognitive mastery and alpha-mindset that it takes to become an influential and irresistible man of confidence. Here’s your host, certified life coach and international man of mystery, Kevin Aillaud.

What’s up, my brother. Welcome back to The Alpha Male Coach Podcast. I am your host, Kevin Aillaud. And today, we’re going to begin a short segment on some emotions; love, confidence, and fear. And I’ve done an episode on confidence before. You can go back and listen to that one. Next week will be confidence. Today, we’re going to talk unconditional love. Next week is confidence, and the week after that is fear.

So you can go back and listen to the episode on confidence before that I did earlier. There’s going to be another one next week that’s going to have some new information in it. But there’s also an episode that I did on emotions themselves. It was going through the model. And it was going through the five components of the model, and one of the components is feelings, because it’s the feelings – a feeling is what we get from the emotion and it’s what drives our actions.

And I’m going to give you a very quick recap on that before we get into unconditional love, but if you want something longer on emotions, you can go back to one of those earlier podcast episodes.

So, today we’re going to talk unconditional love, but first, there are a couple of things I want to remind you about what an emotion is. So, what an emotion is, why an emotion is important, and where an emotion comes from, these three things, then we’re going to get into love.

What an emotion is – and I’m not going to give you the full cellular biology lesson, we’re not going to get into the neuroscience of it all, but I do want you to understand that it is completely harmless. An emotion is a chemical. An emotion is a neuropeptide, it’s a neurotransmitter, it’s essentially a chemical that comes from the brain and it goes into the body, sending signals to the body.

And some of these signals are comfortable, enjoyable even, and other signals are uncomfortable and can be quite uncomfortable. Now, all of these signals are signals to act. They’re signals to move, but really, what they are is a physiological change in our cells. It’s like a vibration in the cells.

The emotion is like a key, and when it’s sent from the brain into the body, when it gets to the cell, it gets to what’s called a receptor site on the cell. And like a key going into a lock, it opens the cell and enters the cell, and inside the cell, it causes a change. So it causes a physiological change in our body at the cellular level.

Now, we are large machines. We are macro-organic machines. So we don’t notice an emotion for what it really is. We don’t notice the emotion is just a vibration in our cells. It’s completely harmless and they create different things. These changes in our cells create different things. Sometimes they create an increase in body temperature or an increase in heart rate or the hair on our body to rise, you know, people say the hair on the back of their neck goes up. Sometimes it causes other things like a tightness in the stomach or a change in respiration.

But really, it is just that vibration that creates action, so there really is nothing to be afraid of. Now, that being said, it is usually an emotion that prevents us from taking risk, from taking action. And unfortunately, it’s also an emotion that drives us to unwanted action and unwanted results, sometimes when we’re in our beta condition.

These are things I work with my clients on when it comes to health, wealth, buffering, and addictions, and relationships, because it’s all really cognitive and emotional based. It’s all coming from how we think we will feel when we have results.

So, life is emotion, that’s why it’s important. It’s important because it drives our action. It is what motivates our bodies to move. Now, it’s the food that helps repair tissue. We eat food to grow muscle, to grow bones, to replicate cells, you know, so cells can split and so on. That’s why we need the food and we need stuff to become stuff. But it’s our emotions that get us moving. It’s our emotions that drive our behavior.

Emotions come from thoughts. We can think anything we want, the thought has to be believed to get the emotional response to get the action we want. So that’s kind of the background on emotions. That’s why they’re so important. That is why unconditional love is the topic of the day, because it is unconditional love – it’s love that is the most desired emotion.

I don’t care who you are, man, woman, child, love is the most desired emotion to feel – if we want to feel one emotion every single day of our lives, it would definitely be love. Now, of course, we want to feel other emotions. We want to feel a range of emotions because that’s how we get a range of actions.

But it’s one of those that we would say, yeah, if I could eat, you know, one thing every day, I’d want to eat this. It’s like our favorite emotions, like our favorite food. There’s nothing wrong with ever feeling love.  But it’s also the emotion that’s probably the most abdicated in terms of the illusion that other people are what gives us the feeling of love.

We need to feel love and somebody needs to love us. The illusion that the only way we’re going to feel love is if someone loves us, it has to be given, it’s an emotion that has to be given – obviously, this is the illusion, right? This is the beta condition because the alpha state, the alpha male, is the master of his cognition and takes responsibility for his emotions. He knows that he is in control of his thoughts and he gets to choose which thoughts he believes in order to elicit that emotional response. He takes that emotional responsibility. That’s why I started with emotions come from thoughts and emotions drive actions.

Take responsibility for your emotions, take responsibility for your actions, because you are in control of your mind. That’s the alpha state. That’s the alpha male. So the alpha state is emotions come from our thoughts and we get to choose what we believe. The beta condition says emotions come from the way other people treat us.

I’ll say that again; the beta condition is in the illusion that we feel a certain way because of other people’s behavior. So when it comes to love, the beta condition says, I will feel love when someone else loves me, and I will only give my love – this is conditional love – I will only give love or show someone I love them when they do things that are deserving of love in my mind. We go back to the manual. Do you remember the manual?

As long as somebody does this, I will feel this way. So there’s a manual for love. There’s a condition for love, as long as someone does this then I will love them. Now here’s the interesting thing about this; the interesting thing about this is that other people do not feel our emotions and we don’t feel the emotions of other people. And this is never more misunderstood than with love.

I’ll tell people about this and they’ll be like, yeah no I get it, like if I’m angry, that doesn’t mean other people are going to feel angry, I get that. Yeah, you get that, but then at the same time, when it comes to other emotions, when it comes to love, it’s like, oh well I can’t love this person because they don’t want me to love them, or because they don’t love me. They don’t love me, so I can’t love them.

I mean, it just doesn’t make any sense, right? Can you guys hear that it doesn’t make any sense? We are the only ones that can feel our emotions, and the reason why we feel them is not for other people. We feel emotions to drive our actions and get our results. That’s what emotions are for. They are for us.

They’re for the individual. They’re for the individual who feels them, not for the individual who is the object or the circumstance from which the thought is triggered from. So, if you have a known relationship, if you have a wife, if you have a girlfriend, if you have a known relationship, a known significant other, then it is not what she does that is creating your love. It is the way you’re thinking about what she does. And you can think those thoughts no matter what she does.

Whatever thoughts that create love for you, you can think them regardless of her behavior. That is unconditional love. This is, I’m choosing to think this about this person so I can feel this way. It’s almost got a selfish ring to it. It’s like, yes, I want to feel love, therefore I am going to think this about you. You do what you want, it doesn’t matter, I’m going to think this way about you and I’m going to choose to think this way about you because of the way it makes me feel. It’s almost like it’s very selfish, right?

But so what? That’s the way life works. That’s the universal truth, my friend. We create our emotions from the way we think. It’s from the thoughts that we believe. Now that’s the thing; you have to believe the thoughts that you have about this person in order to feel love. You have to believe that you love this person. You can’t be super, super mad at this person and then say, oh but I love them and it just goes away right away.

There has to be that thought that you believe, but it’s always, always, always for you because it drives your actions. Our emotions are not for other people. Number one, we don’t abdicate our responsibility for feeling our emotions onto other people. We don’t say that I feel this way because of what this person is doing. Alpha men don’t say that. That’s number one.

But number two, we always say that what is being felt is being felt for us because it drives what we want. I want to feel love every day. And if I want to feel love every day and this is the person that I find easy to love, I find easy to have loving thoughts about – I think she’s beautiful, she’s smart, she’s funny. She’s silly, she’s got these cute little things about her, maybe she does this for me or she doesn’t do this, whatever it is, I’m choosing to think that so I can feel love.

Now, if she doesn’t do something or doesn’t say something or things change in some way, I can still choose to think the same thing. I can always choose my thoughts. There is no condition by which I would choose to think something unloving. Why would I choose to feel frustrated towards this person? Why would I choose to feel irritated towards this person?

In what way does it serve me? In what way does it, in my model, fit into my action line and my result line, to feel frustrated, to think a thought about a person, I’m going to say the person, your wife, your girlfriend, where you feel frustrated or you feel annoyed or you feel irritated? What actions come from that? What results come from that? When is there a good time to think these things? Because you’re the one feeling them, she’s not, and you’re the one acting. You’re the one creating your results. She’s not.

So in this known relationship, how do you want to be? How do you want to show up? How do you determine the results you get? There doesn’t need to be any behavior from anyone else. That’s the other thing, my friend, nobody likes to be judged on their behavior. You don’t like to be judged, nobody likes to be judged.

When you just say, look, unconditionally, there’s nothing this person cannot do, then you are in that alpha state. You are creating your emotion from your thoughts that you believe so that you can drive the action that you have consciously chosen. That is alpha state. That is being an alpha male. Knowing what an emotion is, it’s a chemical that you create, you feel, and no one else does. It’s knowing the importance of that emotion that is creating your life. It is manifesting reality in front of you; amazing relationships.

And it is knowing that you are the only one benefiting from it. Yes, it’s wonderful, it’s wonderful to act in a loving way. It’s wonderful to think loving thoughts and feel the emotion of love. Those things, that cognition and that feeling was going to lead to acting in a loving way. And so many people out there are throwing out there that love is an action, that love is a verb.

Well no, it’s not really. It’s an emotion. It’s a thing. It’s a chemical, but you can act in a loving way. You can act in a way that other people will think, boy, that’s loving, because remember, your actions are neutral circumstances to them. So when they are looking at your actions, they can think, even though you’re acting from an emotion of love, they can think and feel anything they want about it.

So you can act lovingly and people can still think anything they want. It’s not really a verb, right? It is an emotion. But it drives the results you want. You get to feel amazing. You get to feel love. You get to create it because this person is here and there’s no reason that I can think of – maybe you can think of one. I don’t know why you’d want to. But there’s no reason I can think of that I would not want to approach my significant other with any other emotion than love because I can think anything I want about her behavior.

There’s no behavior, there’s nothing she can say or do, to where I would be forced to not love her. Do you understand that? There’s nothing anybody could ever say or do to where you would be forced to not think and feel a certain way about them because you are always in control of the way you think and feel. And I mean that truthfully, sincerely. You can think of the worst possible thing.

I know some of you guys have probably been through some pretty horrible things, but you can still love this person. You can love them unconditionally. It might be a tough one to wrap your head around, but that’s the truth. And you do it because you choose to, because you’re the one that gets to feel it.

You don’t have to. You can choose to feel anything you want. Just know that you’re the one that’s feeling it. You’re not punishing anybody except for yourself if you choose to feel anything other than love in known relationships.

Now, I’m going to end with this, my friend, and this is the truth, this is kind of like that last little piece; you are 100% loveable. So if somebody’s not acting loving towards you or you’re thinking that someone’s not acting loving towards you – remember, somebody else’s actions are circumstances, you can think anything you want about them. But if you’re perceiving somebody else’s actions as not being lovable towards you, then you’ve got to understand that you are 100% lovable.

However they are acting is coming from their thoughts and their emotions and maybe they’re not thinking and feeling things that are in that space of love. Maybe they’re having a rough mental time. It says nothing about you. You can always think what you want about their behavior, but regardless of their behavior, you are 100% lovable.

So that being said, can you love yourself unconditionally? Knowing that you are 100% lovable, that there’s nothing you could ever do to make yourself more lovable and there’s nothing you could ever do to make yourself less lovable, it’s kind of like a container, an infinitely filled container, you can’t put anything more into this container but you can never take anything out of it. Knowing that, can you love yourself no matter what you’ve done? Can you love yourself unconditionally?

Because by condition, it’s basically like, well I did this, and then because I did this, I’m having a tough time loving myself. If you’re living within this shame or guilt, can you look at that and say, I love myself unconditionally, regardless of what I did? Again, we get back to blame.  This was an episode just a few back. What you did, you did at the time. You did with the knowledge that you had.

Can you love yourself no matter what? Not condone – just because you love someone, doesn’t mean you condone all their actions. But can you love yourself unconditionally? And if you can, then you’ve made it, brother. That’s jackpot, because then you are always in the presence of love. You can always feel that emotion, always, always, always.

So, that’s what I’ve got for you today. We’re starting with emotions. We’re doing unconditional love. Next week, listen for indomitable self-confidence, and then we’re getting to flip the coin, we’re going to talk about the beta condition and we’re going to hit up fear. Until then, my brothers, as always, elevate your alpha. I’ll see you next week.

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